1. Basically every ad that shows up on the side of your Facebook page or any other site is related to some kind of online shopping extravaganza that sounds like your dream come true.
2. …So even when you’re trying to be responsible and not spend a lot of money, you’re constantly being tempted by the sidebars of every website that you visit.
3. You’ve formed a terrible habit of going online shopping when you’re blacked out. You’ve tried to quit time and time again, but nothing and no one can stop you.
4. …Often, usually 4-5 days after your drunken stupor, a package from J. Crew arrives at your door and you have no idea what it is. And all you can say is “Welp, I did it again!” because you know you pulled that laptop open after too many tequila shots and pulled up your favorite clothing website.
5. And for some reason, when you’re drunk, you have beer goggles on for yourself and your own body, because you always order two sizes too small, as if drunken you was convinced that you’d lose 15 pounds by Wednesday.
6. Whenever you log into your bank account, it usually consists of you freaking out and shouting “WTF where’s all my money?!”
7. And then you remember that you went on a wild shopping spree the other day and told yourself that it didn’t matter because the seasons are changing and you need these clothes.
8. You always laugh haughtily when you open a promo email that has “HUGE DISCOUNTS IF YOU BUY TODAY” in the subject area. And you always think to yourself Who the hell falls for this kind of stuff?
9. …But then an hour later you hate yourself because you bought three sweaters because you just had to because they were 15% off duh.
10. When someone gives you a gift card to one of your favorite sites, you are finally freed from the guilt of spending your own money. But then, you end up spending even more than what’s on your gift card and have to pay the difference with your credit card because removing one of the items from your shopping cart is too painful.
11. You have accounts on a million different shopping websites, and you frequently experience the “Monopoly money” problem: since all your credit card info is already saved, you usually just click “Confirm Purchase” and something shows up at your door a few days later and you forget that it costs real money because you never had to pull out any cash or credit cards.
12. But then you remember that it costs real money when you check your account balance and EVERYTHING’S GONE.
13. You see plenty of adorable things online that you absolutely love but know that you probably could never wear anywhere. So you come up with ridiculous scenarios of why you would possibly need that dress and you buy it anyway.
14. Your online shopping addiction doesn’t just extend to clothes and shoes. You love buying anything online – decorations, books, kitchenware, Christmas presents for your family even though it’s August, you name it.
15. …in fact, Amazon is basically the death of you.
16. You’ve pretty much given up any hope of saving money right now and you tell yourself that you’ll worry about your savings account when you’re thirty.
17. …Because by that point, you’ll have all the clothes and shoes and gifts and books and poolside accessories that you’d ever need.
18. You constantly wonder if things would have been different if you were twenty-five in the mid-nineties and all you had to shop through at home were Lands’ End catalogs.
19. And then you admit to yourself that things probably would not have been different. Your bank account would have been just as abysmal, except instead of clicking “Confirm Purchase” on a website, you’d be doing it on the phone with some bored employee named Judith.