What Every Morning At Your Job Looks Like: A Step By Step Guide

The Office
The Office

You walk into the office already hating your life, because you got stuck in the elevator with the chatty coworker, the one who loves bringing up any topic that proves he or she follows the news. The elevator is normally your last peaceful moment of “you time” before you head into nine hours worth of office drudgery. But today, that precious time was thwarted by Edith or Arnold or someone like that.

You plop your heavy bag onto your desk, and feel nothing.

But then your heart feels briefly elated when you hear that someone has in brought donuts or bagels and that they’re in the kitchen. You grab one and walk back to your desk. You feel mildly happy for 46 seconds, because that is the amount of time it takes you to swallow the donut.

You boot up your computer and wait for it to start working. This moment is enjoyable because you get to just sit and stare absentmindedly while you wait. It’s the one time period of the day where you can act like a total lard and no other girls can say anything about it.

Your computer is finally ready for you, but you’ve somehow only killed seven minutes of your day so far. You decide this is the moment to get up and pour some coffee. You enter the kitchen and your butt clenches up in dread, because the only other person in there is the coworker that you’re kind of afraid of. You’re forced to make small talk and ignore the fact that you are both moving as quickly as possible to make this torture end soon.

You grab your coffee and race back to your desk, ignoring the painful hot liquid that’s spilling all over your hands because you just want to get away from your big, scary coworker.

Finally, you acknowledge that you have to pretend to start doing work, so you open up a decoy Excel spreadsheet. You have this at the ready for the times that your Spidey-senses tingle because your boss is drawing near.

Once you have a complicated spreadsheet prepared, you get to the real work: checking various websites and opening up several tabs with all the articles and posts you plan on reading that day.

You start clicking through these one by one, and feel a weird sense of accomplishment even though this has nothing to do with the actual work you’re supposed to be doing.

Once you’ve read everything you wanted to read and seen all the GIFs that you’ll ever need, you prepare for Round Two – the round with the shittier, less interesting things, but things that will pass the time nonetheless.

But before you begin Round Two, you decide that you need an intermission. So you open up Snapchat, view the stories of the people who don’t suck, and then send a couple Snaps to your friends. Nothing creative, just the usual picture of you or your coffee with a caption that reads “Save me” or “Thank God for coffee” or “Check out this picture that proves I’m employed and I’m being productive.”

Afterwards, it’s back to Round Two of wise words from The Internet. Thankfully, a couple of hours have passed at this point. You do the responsible thing and vow to begin working at 11:30, which means you’ll only have to get through half an hour of work before it’s time for lunch.

In the meantime, you sit there hoping and praying that no one uploads a picture anywhere with the caption “#DailyGrind” because that’s just the worst. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

I’m a staff writer for Thought Catalog. I like comedy and improv. I live in Chicago. My Uber rating is just okay.

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