1. Why does every movie about plane crashes start playing in my head the minute I get on the plane?
2. The Xanax isn’t working. It’s not working. I can’t feel anything. It’s been 5 minutes what the hell.
3. For some reason, fearfully staring out the window during takeoff makes me feel like we are less likely to crash.
4. *air conditioning comes on* OH MY GOD WE’RE GOING DOWN.
5. If I clutch the armrests of my seat and look around anxiously, will people feel bad for me and try to make me feel better?
6. How does this dude next to me just fall asleep the instant he sits down in his seat?
7. If we go through a round of turbulence one more time, I’m climbing into his lap and crying.
8. That person looks mildly disgruntled. They’re probably going to hijack the plane.
9. I wonder if the flight attendants would just let me sit in the back with them.
10. Ah, the newest SkyMall addition. Maybe this will distract me.
11. …No. No it will not. It will just creep me out further.
12. How do flight attendants do this every day, as a JOB? I would have a nervous breakdown.
13. Am I the only one hearing all these strange noises?
14. *plane shakes slightly* What was that? What the HELL was that?
15. Why do I insist on Googling plane crashes right before I get on a plane?
16. I should have just driven. It would have only taken 16 hours.
17. That’s it. Next time I’m having three Jack ‘n Cokes before I get on the plane. Even if it’s nine in the morning.
18. Especially if it’s nine in the morning.
19. Where did the flight attendants go? WHERE ARE THEY?! I need to watch them when we hit an air pocket so I can know if I should be scared or not.
20. *weird noise happens* I knew it. My window is going to bust open and suck me out of it. Good bye, man sleeping next to me.
21. If we do crash, I’m in trouble; I don’t remember anything they said in the Safety Instructions video because I couldn’t stop focusing on how large their smiles were.
22. If I have a panic attack, I can always go to the restroom and try to calm myself down.
23. Just kidding. The bathroom is a claustrophobic’s nightmare.
24. It’s weird that a free bag of tiny pretzels makes me feel slightly better.
25. Like, it’s really weird. Because there are only eight pretzels in here.
26. *pilot announces to prepare for landing* *pulls headphone out of ear* “What was that? What’d he say? Are we crashing?!?”
27. *plane lands safely* *instantly pulls out phone and texts everyone* “Oh my God I almost just died on that plane.”