18 Things You Should Know About Girls Who Seem Put Together (But Are Secretly A Hot Mess)

30 Rock
30 Rock

1. We have spent many a time inside a bathroom stall, or behind a closed office door, telling ourselves mentally (and sometimes out loud) to “lock it up.” Remember that scene in Wedding Crashers where Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn spend about five minutes going back and forth yelling at each other to lock it up? We have that same conversation, between ourselves and… our brains.

2. If we’re in the middle of a presentation at work or giving a speech in front of a large group of people or doing anything impressive seemingly with ease, it’s probably the opposite. We are most likely about to explode because we’ve been drinking coffee for twelve hours straight, thanks to the all-nighter we pulled in order to prepare for whatever thing we are currently doing.

3. If we show up to a birthday dinner or a get-together looking cute but out of breath, chances are that less than an 45 minutes ago, we were laying in our bed, unshowered, having a Netflix marathon and telling ourselves that at some point we should get ready for this thing.

4. We wouldn’t be where we are today without dry shampoo.

5. When we say something about being in shambles, everyone laughs, including us, because we appear to be joking. But we are not joking. Everything in our life is pretty much one step away from being in complete shambles.

6. We never apologize or feel guilty for the way we look at eight a.m., because frankly, we’re just impressed with ourselves that we once again made it out of the house this early.

7. We can get out of bed and into the office all within thirty minutes. Don’t ask us how we do it, because we don’t know. Something about eating a bagel on the way to the bathroom, brushing our teeth while putting on mascara, getting dressed while we’re half in the dark, and then just crossing our fingers that it all works out.

8. Sometimes we have something we really need to get done, but then we end up accidentally watching twenty-three YouTube videos in a row. So then we stay up all night doing whatever it is that needs to get done and then we oversleep. Which ultimately leads to waking up late but still getting to the office all within that thirty minute time span.

9. We may appear to hold our liquor well, and we do. But the next day we will lay in bed for five hours, questioning our life choices while we try to figure out what we’re ordering on Seamless.

10. Chances are that if you get a hangover-themed Snapchat from us, we took the photo more than a dozen times; not in an attempt to look perfect, but rather in an attempt to successfully show you how much of a mess we are right now.

11. We can belt out every single word to Anaconda, yet we have to hit the “Forgot your password?” button at least once a week for one thing or another. How about using the same exact password with the same exact capital letter and the same exact numerical character for every single login to make our lives easier? No.

12. When you compliment us on our make-up and we say thanks, we’re tempted to say “Thank you, but I actually did it in the dark this morning while I was still half-asleep.”

13. While getting ready for a night out, we always prepare for the fact that by the end of the night, we will probably be sweaty from being on the dance floor for three hours, or we will have spilled beer all over ourselves after an intense drinking game, or anything in-between. This means we’re very careful with the amount of makeup we put on, we’re selective about our outfits in order to avoid anything that could potentially cause a nip-slip, and we’re all around ready for a disaster. The things we think of in order to avoid an appearance catastrophe are pretty damn admirable.

14. When our thoughts are uncontrollable and our mind is running all over the place, our hair usually follows suit.

15. We love Mondays because it feels like everybody else is on the struggle bus with us. But when most of them have their shit together by Tuesday, we’re still going strong and embracing the glory of our hot-mess-ness.

16. When traveling, all of our bags are filled to the brim and everything always seems to be on the verge of falling out. That’s because we usually wait until the last moment to pack, and when we do pack, we decide that we need to bring every single thing we own with us. But at least our travel attire is lazy-chic.

17. Our solution for a day in which our hot-mess factor reaches its peak is usually to go to Taco Bell or McDonald’s around 10:30 at night with our best friend.

18. We might be a hot mess. We might not exactly have a plan. We may be moving in 16 different directions. But one way or another, we always make it happen. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

About the author

Kim Quindlen

I’m a staff writer for Thought Catalog. I like comedy and improv. I live in Chicago. My Uber rating is just okay.

More From Thought Catalog