1. Watch Beyonce’s “Partition” video and pretend that’s what you look like.
2. Buy a cupcake and see if you can fit the entire thing in your mouth in one attempt. While you’re still inside the bakery. While the cashier’s watching you. Then tell them to f*ck off, because they won’t understand what you’re saying anyway.
3. Sleep for twenty-four hours straight so you can avoid all the coupled-off humans who are lasting through dinner long enough to get a great Insta pic out of it.
4. Walk around town and imagine that Kristen Bell is narrating your life the same way she narrates Gossip Girl. “Uh oh. Did Kim just trip while speed-walking into Chipotle? Looks like someone is falling on Valentine’s Day, but not in love. Sorry, K. You know you love me.”
5. Pray that it rains, so that you can look sadly/wistfully out your bedroom window and pretend you’re in a movie.
6. Go into a Dairy Queen and ask them how much rent would be if someone hypothetically wanted to move in there. Tell them you’re asking for a friend.
7. Scroll through your Instagram account and try to imagine how cool you look to other people. Since, you know, you don’t do this on other days.
8. Watch Black Swan just to make yourself feel unsettled.
9. Figure out how many days are left until Thanksgiving, when you can count on your Mom and Dad to guarantee that you have plans.
10. Buy a Roomba, because this is what your life has come to.
11. Go on YouTube and watch all of Creed’s old music videos.
12. …Sing along as well as you can: “Wull I jussss hurrrrrrd. The n0000z todayaaa.”
13. Get out that adorable cookbook your mom gave you a few years ago. Look at all of the pictures. Cook nothing.
14. Go buy six ice cube trays at Bed Bath & Beyond and fill them ALL up. This will be the most beneficial thing you will ever do in your life.
15. Contact Yankee Candle and ask them to create a scent called “The Inside of a Bookstore.”
16. Watch Storage Wars, just to remind yourself that life could always be a little bit worse.
17. Listen to the song “Chocolate” by The 1975 while swallowing chocolate bars whole.
18. Tell the bartender that you’re “working on you” while you sip your seventh drink.