1. Attempt to find a Jason Derulo song where he doesn’t sing “Jason Derulo” at the beginning of it.
2. Download Tinder on your phone. Become obsessed with it for like three days. Then delete it and swear it off for the rest of your life. Act judgmental towards anyone else who gets it. Lose all willpower and download it again. Lather, rinse, repeat.
3. Gain ten pounds by accident and then #hate #yourself.
4. Start weeping unexpectedly, because you randomly thought about that song “The Christmas Shoes” and how sad it is.
5. Find a scarf that is large enough to double as a blanket and never take it off. Wear it to bed. Wear it in the shower. Wear it when you eat your second and third dinners. Wear it all the time.
6. Alphabetize your CD’s. Then try to explain to yourself why you still have a CD collection.
7. Learn the dance to “Thriller.” Become the annoying, one-trick pony who makes people put the song on every time you’re at a party so that you can show off your moves. Be confused when everyone hates you.
8. Order a DVD of Daren’s Dance Grooves off of eBay. Tell no one. If it’s not available on DVD, buy the VHS version. Then buy a VCR. It is WORTH IT. Not really, though.
9. Buy a juicer and instantly feel skinnier. Tell all your friends about the juicer. Use the juicer one time before you put it on the top shelf of your cabinet and never look at it again.
10. Watch so many episodes of a particular show on Netflix that you get to the final season and are shocked at how this all happened so fast. Forget that you’re supposed to have a life outside of Netflix. Start crying.
11. Make a board of Do-It-Yourself projects on Pinterest. Continue to add good ideas to the board all throughout the winter. Never actually follow through on any of them.
12. See how many times you can have pizza delivered to your place before the delivery guy starts to recognize you.
13. Learn every single word to Eminem’s “Lose Yourself.” Then figure out a way to time travel back to your seventh grade dance and perform it for your classmates so that they’ll finally think you’re cool.
14. …while you’re at your seventh grade dance, pose in a bunch of pictures with your awkward-looking friends and then laugh haughtily when they say they can’t wait to get their Kodak disposable cameras developed at CVS tomorrow.
15. Stare at the empty thank-you notes you’ve been meaning to write since December, and never do anything with them. Then wallow in self-pity over the fact that you’re such a horrible person.
16. Learn how to sew. Then you can “save money” on clothes by spending $500 at JoAnn’s Fabric.
17. Go on YouTube to watch one video your friend recommended. Stay on YouTube for four hours, watching stuff that you instantly forget about the minute you click the next video.
18. Contemplate what it would have been like to be on an episode of Oprah’s Favorite Things.
19. Sit on your couch and open Instagram. Then close it. Then immediately open it again without even realizing what you’re doing.
20. Watch old audition tapes of celebrities before they were famous. Tell yourself that it IS possible to be awkward and to have it all, at the same time.
21. Attempt to watch The Fault In Our Stars without becoming a complete wreck. Have a bag of chips and some guacamole on call for emotional support. Eat them either way.
22. Read articles online about self-improvement. Follow none of the advice.
23. Listen to “Latch” by Sam Smith one time. Have it stuck in your head for the rest of the winter.
24. Buy a bunch of board games. And play them with… no one. Because you are #ALONE.
25. Make a family-sized box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese and eat the entire thing by yourself in one sitting. Do not pause to question if you should share it with a family.
26. Walk around your apartment singing Lana Del Ray songs in a disturbingly low-pitched voice.
27. Try to bake a recipe you found on Pinterest and be surprised when the cookies come out looking like sad, wilted rainbows instead of cute flowers.
28. Watch Solange attack Jay-Z in the elevator and figure out what soundtrack you like best. (Suggestions: the Six Flags theme song or “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” from Mulan.)
29. See how much peanut butter you can eat in and of itself, without pairing it with anything.
30. Attempt to figure out when Matthew McConaughey stopped making Ghosts of Girlfriends Past and started making True Detective. In other words, figure out the exact turning point of when Hollywood started liking him.
31. After doing this, watch McConaughey’s car commercial and get a little creeped out while simultaneously trying to answer all of the questions he asks in the commercial. Instigate a life crisis.
32. Decide to purge your room. Start by going through your desk. Get distracted with things you find in your desk and end up throwing out one thing before you quit for the day.
33. Google the amount of awards Meryl Streep has been nominated for so that you can make yourself feel useless and inadequate.
34. Complain about Lena Dunham, and ignore the deepest part of your psyche that’s telling you you’re only whining about her because you’re jealous of her bizarre success.
35. Wear the same sweatshirt every day for two months.
36. Figure out the mystery behind Kylie Jenner’s lips.
37. Open a book and get through one page before you look down and see that somehow you ended up grabbing your phone and are now scrolling through Twitter like an addict.
38. Watch George Clooney’s declaration of love to Amal at the Golden Globes. Feel temporarily happy, and then start feeling bad for yourself that he’s not saying it to you.
39. Try sorting through and throwing out some of your old make-up. Make no progress because you find your tweezers and you end up plucking your eyebrows for an hour instead.
40. Buy Rosetta Stone. Never use it because words are hard.