1. Wow, it’s not even midnight and I’m going to bed! This is incredible. I need to text all my friends and brag about this moment. Oh no, now I’m getting all worked up. I’m just going to check Instagram real quick to help me relax.
2. …oh, it’s now 1:12 a.m. – how did that happen?
3. I’m so jealous of old people. They can fall asleep anywhere, anytime. All I want right now is to be an old person.
4. How is it that I was exhausted throughout this entire day, and could think of nothing but my bed, but now that I’m here, I’m suddenly wide awake and sleep is the last thing I want to do?
5. Did someone slip me a caffeine pill when I wasn’t looking? What the hell is wrong with me?
6. It’s never gonna happen for me.
7. I’ve never thought about the process of falling asleep, but it’s actually terrifying. Like, how can you be sure you’re going to wake back up?
8. This inability to fall asleep reminds of me all the birthday sleepovers I went to as a kid where I was the last one to fall asleep and I ended up sneaking upstairs and eating all the leftover cake.
9. Maybe I should just read an entire book really quickly.
10. I’m gonna put on a movie, just to help me fall asleep. I’m not going to watch the whole thing.
11. …how did it get to be three in the morning? And look at that, the movie’s over. What is happening?
12. Now that I’m nice and cozy and relaxed in my bed, this would be a convenient time to start thinking about every scary movie I’ve ever watched and every scary story I’ve ever heard about murderers and serial killers.
13. I’m just not going to think about the process of falling asleep, and then it will happen when I’m not even thinking about it.
14. Just kidding. That didn’t work and this is THE WORST.
15. Let’s try counting. That’s a good way to relax and center my mind. Here we go. 1… 2… 3… Did I remember to respond to Mark’s email? Damnit. Focus. 4… 5… 6… What kind of name is Mark? If you say it enough times it sounds weird. Mark. Mark. Mark. Oops. Okay. 7… 8… 9… COOKIES! I want cookies.
16. I kind of have to pee. Should I? Should I get out of bed and lose all this progress I made? Sounds risky. But if I don’t pee now, what if I lay here all night and never fall asleep because I have to pee? Note to self: invest in Depends.
17. I don’t even know why I’m bothering to try and sleep at this point.
18. What if I’m some freak of nature and I’ve lost all ability to fall asleep ever again? It sounds highly likely.
19. Since I can’t sleep, I might as well do something productive, like rank the characters from How I Met Your Mother in order of favorite to least favorite.
20. I wonder if I should become one of those weirdos who has a machine that makes nature sounds all night? But then again, do I really want to fall asleep to the sound of whales having sex? (Yes, I do.)
21. I’m going to look like crap tomorrow at work. But maybe the circles under my eyes will make my boss think that I’m sick and then I can go home early. There’s always a silver lining.
22. All I can think about right now is those people sleeping and drooling in the ZzzQuil commercials and how I’ve never been so jealous of anyone in my entire life.
23. Oh, my gosh. I’m finally getting sleepy. This is perfect. I’ll slip into a restless sleep for the remainder of the night, and then I’ll fall into a severely deep sleep about ten minutes before my alarm goes off.
24. Even though I’ll be exhausted all day tomorrow, at least that means I’ll have a really easy time falling asleep tomorrow night.
25. …who am I kidding? I’ll be completely wiped all day tomorrow and then will once again become wide awake the minute I try to go to sleep tomorrow night. The struggle is real.