1. Find a way to bring back MTV’s admirable show Next, and date one of the gems that you find on there.
2. Go to a bakery and buy a dozen cupcakes. Then sit outside on a bench and cry. I’m not sure if this will get you a date, but at least it’s an emotionally moving scene. The cupcakes are a metaphor for your loneliness.
3. Ask Siri “How do I get a date on Valentine’s Day?” when you’re standing on a crowded train, and look around pointedly at all the people staring at you. Wait until someone of the gender that you desire approaches you and asks you on a date. Wait years if you have to.
4. Stand in the Hallmark section of CVS and start screaming until someone notices.
5. …when they ask you if everything is okay, pounce on them and refuse to let go until February 15th.
6. Live inside a novel written by Nicholas Sparks.
7. Change your status on Facebook to “Ugh… this is just so hard… I wish I wasn’t so sad :(” Everyone will love you for it and they’ll feel extremely sympathetic and they’ll ask you what’s wrong and then someone will ask you on a date.
8. Go sit in a cafe and wait for an attractive person to come by and start talking to you. That’s how it happens on TV, so it’ll probably be the same way in real life.
9. Buy a body pillow and date that for the night.
10. Go to a Singles Event and spend the whole time on your phone. It’ll make you look cooly disinterested.
11. Order take-out and when the delivery person comes to the door, ask them if they’re busy on Valentine’s Day. If they are working, just tell them you’ll order take-out that night so that they’ll come back and you two can spend some time together.
12. Join a gym. Go to the weight section and make really loud noises during each exercise that you do. When someone approaches to ask if something’s wrong, take that as their way of telling you that they are single and interested in dating you.
13. Join Tinder. In your profile, say you’re not looking for much. Just an immediate spouse and a way to procreate.
14. Call in to a radio station. Not to get advice. But because the hosts are probably receiving few phone calls and are just as lonely as you.
15. Date your refrigerator.
16. Find a running club. There are tons of fit singles in running clubs. Wait in a dark alley and sneakily join them on their last lap. Act like you were there the whole time.
17. Try branching out to more unique dating sites, such as Clown Dating or Farmers Only.
18. Buy some Kraft Singles at the grocery store and hope that someone gets the hint.
19. Wear a lot of red so that people know you’re into Valentine’s Day. This includes wearing red eye shadow and red contacts.
20. Do some research to find the people who star in the gray scale, “before” part of As-Seen-On-TV commercials. They always look upset and like they could use a lover to cheer them up.
21. Be “alluring.” Magazines and books and articles about love are always saying to be alluring. Just like being brunette or being tall, being alluring is an easy and understandable thing to be.
22. Get a baby duckling and walk around holding it. No one can resist it and they’ll probably end up accidentally talking to you.
23. And if you get desperate, go see 50 Shades of Grey by yourself and date one of the other single people in the audience. Looking for an easy conversation starter? Offer them a sip from your wine thermos.