1. Today is the day.
2. …that I will finally do my laundry.
3. That’s not my alarm. That’s just the voice of an evil, shrill villain in my dream and it will all be over soon.
4. I have time to hit Snooze eleven times before I get up.
5. I’m going to bed by 9:30 tonight. I will not get into bed and check Facebook reallll quick and then actually go to bed three hours later than planned.
6. No one will be able to tell that I used dry shampoo.
7. I’m going to do things when I get home. So many things. Productive things. Impressive things. Cooking things. Being a responsible adult isn’t hard.
8. The commute to work today is going to be awesome and not miserable. No one on the bus is going to be talking loudly on their cell phone while the rest of us focus on how sad we are that we’re awake.
9. I only have to do this for a couple more years and then I’ll just create an app that’s bigger than SnapChat and I’ll quit my job and work for myself for the rest of my life.
10. Speaking of SnapChat, if I send any selfies to my friends today, I will think of a caption that’s not “So exhausted” or “I woke up like this.”
11. At some point I’m going to work on becoming a better person. But today just feels so Tuesday-ish and that sucks and I’m tired. So maybe next week.
12. I’m going to eat really healthy stuff today. As soon as I finish these two Egg McMuffins, it’s all fruits and veggies from here on out.
13. At some point I will stop pretending that leggings are pants. But today is not that day.
14. I will binge-watch NOTHING when I get home tonight.
15. Maybe I’ll sign up for a yoga membership. Someday. To make my life less stressful. I can afford it.
16. I’m completely worn out. This weekend will be all about resting up. No drinking, no staying up late, no partying. Just rest and relaxation and hibernation. I will stick to this promise.
17. When I get to the office, I’m going to start working immediately. I will not open several tabs of articles that look interesting and spend the first two hours of my day reading them all.
18. Tomorrow is when I’ll start making my bed before I leave the house.
19. No take-out for me tonight. No sir.
20. I’ve had wine the last four nights, so I’ll steer clear of that tonight as well.
21. Maybe I should read The 4-Hour Work Week. That would fix all the issues in my life.
22. This Spotify playlist will change everything and will start my whole day off the right way and my mood will be happy instead of I hate everyone.
23. Tonight I’ll probably read a book about self-improvement and I will not sit on my couch and judgmentally watch people on reality shows.