1. Because it’s wine.
2. Because what else will you drink when you’re pretending to be Olivia Pope?
3. Because Two-Buck Chuck costs, like, two bucks.
4. Because what else are you supposed to swirl around in a glass at a friend’s dinner party when you’re trying to look douchey? Brandy is expensive.
5. Because if you don’t drink it, then that grape lady from the YouTube video will have fallen in vain.
6. Because you can take a sip of red, look at your friend, and say “If you ask me, the bouquet is a little too robust for a Merlot. But then again, I’m partial to the softer California grape.” And wait until she realizes it was a Parent Trap quote from a pre-meltdown Lohan.
7. Because it’s the only way you’ll ever be convinced to join a book club.
8. Because if you drink red wine all night, you won’t have to worry about lipstick. Your teeth will also be frighteningly purple, but that’s another burden for another day.
9. Because how else will you be able to skip the small talk on “Girls’ Night” and get right to the good stuff? Fights. Breakups. Secrets. Gossip. It’s all there waiting for you, with the push of a little vino.
10. Because it is never not wine o’clock.
11. Because you need to truly understand Alanis’s pain when she deals with a black fly in her Chardonnay.
12. Because you can use empty wine bottles to make crafty things you found on Pinterest.
13. …just kidding you’re going to be too hungover to do that. Put them in the recycling bin where they belong and don’t kid yourself.
14. Because Downtown Abbey has its own wine bye.
15. Because 50 Shades of Grey and Duck Dynasty also have their own wines and that’s just asking for an interesting couple of nights.
16. Because Kris Jenner recently had a procedure done in which they surgically attached a wine glass permanently to her hand, and she is who you should aspire to be.
17. Because you’re at a stage in life (read: you’re under 50 and not rich) where you can’t tell the difference between an $8 or a $200 bottle of wine. So you might as well enjoy that fact while you can.
18. Because wine gives you an excuse to eat cheese too. Not that you needed an excuse.
19. Because you had a bad day at work and wine will just… make you forget.
20. Because it’s Friday.
21. Because it’s Monday.