1. Watching only one Netflix episode at a time.
Who are we kidding? The point of Netflix is to provide us with a three to four hour daily time period where we forget who we are, so that we can momentarily convince ourselves that we are Olivia Pope and tell our roommate IT’S HANDLED when they ask if we emptied the dishwasher.
2. Avoiding Snapchat while drunk.
When you’ve knocked back a few beers, the idea of sending self-destructing photos to your friends and/or frenemies sounds like the greatest idea ever. Until you wake up the next day and have no recollection of what you sent them. But in that moment, it sounds like a pretty hilarious thing to do. And until Snapchat creates the Breathalyzer feature that I’ve been asking for, we’re all screwed.
3. Getting organized.
We’d all love to have a perfect room and a perfect apartment, with labeled bins and boxes from Pottery Barn. But none of us have stuff impressive enough to make bins that say things like “Sewing Materials” or “Photo Albums From When I Was in High School and Was Definitely Pretty and Not Awkward.” For now, we settle on creating Pinterest boards of rooms and closets and apartments that we will never have.
4. Finally donating to the organization that puts on the Sarah McLachlan animal cruelty commercials.
Let’s be real, none of us stay on the channel long enough to get the number we need to call in order to donate. Instead, we hear “In the Arms of the Angels” start playing and we begin screaming like we have PTSD. On reflex, we flip the channel before we even realize what’s happening. But not before that sad dog’s eyes burn directly into our soul.
5. Going to a therapist.
Going to a therapist: Because yeah, therapy probably works. But none of us can afford to pay someone $150 a week to have them tell us we “have anxiety.”
6. Going to the gym.
Going to the gym: It’s cold out. And everyone else at the gym already seems like they’re in better shape than you. So going to the gym would just make you want to come home and plow through a box of Cheez-Its to soothe the pain. Best to just wait until mid-April, panic when you realize bathing suit season is upon us, and then try that diet program Marie Osmond is always plugging on commercials.
7. Being less stressed.
Because telling yourself you’re just going to “be less stressed” is like telling yourself you’re just going to “be less short” or “be less brunette.” It’s just not a thing.
8. Making your way through that list of impressive movies that AFI told you you’re supposed to have seen.
Lawrence of Arabia. Double Indemnity. The Grapes of Wrath. They just don’t sound that appealing unless you have a beard and like to wear flannel in the summer. Citizen Kane? Are you telling me this entire movie was about a boy’s attraction to his sled? (Easy film majors, I get it. It’s a metaphor.)
9. Getting rid of debt.
Why would you pay off your credit card bill or your student loans, when you could continue accumulating a list of impressive products from infomercials? ShamWow’s are a game changer. Paper towels are for the basic.
10. Drinking less.
Just… just… no.
11. Finally learning how a bill gets passed (or doesn’t).
We’ve heard about it so much in the news in the past year. We know it’s important to understand the intricate details of how our own government works. But most of us are more concerned with trying to remember the opening sequence to Schoolhouse Rock as opposed to the actual episode of How a Bill Becomes a Law.
12. Eating healthy food.
Because every time you shop at Whole Foods, it feels like all of their cool and aloof employees are lurking in every corner, stacking apples and laughing at you as you buy “organic” cookies. What does an “organic” cookie even mean? No frosting in the middle? I’m out.
13. Refraining from stalking someone on Instagram to the point where you’ve gone through a year’s worth of their photos.
Because you know you will accidentally like a picture from 56 weeks ago. You know it. Then you will have to admit to yourself that you definitely were stalking them, not casually browsing. They will know you were stalking them. And to make it worse, it will probably happen at two in the morning on a Wednesday. You Just. Can’t. Help yourself.
14. Not checking Facebook every 5 seconds.
Because I do want to know more about your puppy’s graduation from Obedience School, Shannon.
15. Volunteering more.
It’s not going to happen. Because deep down, we are all the worst. And we tell ourselves there are other, better people out there who will save the world.
16. Going outside more.
What’s the point of fresh air, when you can just upload a #tbt of that one time last year that you went to the park?
17. Learning what ISIS stands for.
Because most of us at least know it’s a terrorist group in the Middle East. And you’d be surprised how far you can get by at a friend’s pretentious dinner party knowing only that much.
18. Not hitting the snooze button on your phone 14 times before you actually get up.
Why get up peacefully and calmly the first time your alarm goes off? Better to hit snooze for an hour, have strange dreams where you think you’re already awake and getting ready for the day, and then wake up with only five minutes to spare before you have to leave the house. Hygiene is relative.
19. Getting a new job.
Because it’s more fun to have a reason as to why we’re depressed or overweight or single or anxious or not Jennifer Lawrence. If we actually enjoyed our job, we’d have to find another excuse for what’s making us not like ourselves.
20. Not watching The Bachelor.
If you gave it up, you’d wake up on Monday mornings with no reason to live. If we’re not sitting around the couch on Monday nights with our roommates, hooked up to an IV full of wine while we judge other people, then what are we doing?
21. Refraining from talking about your diet to EVERYONE ALL THE TIME if you go on a diet.
Maybe avoiding carbs or gluten or processed sugar or bacon is working wonders for you. That’s great. The hard part is remembering that no one else actually cares, and no, they do not want you to give them a five minute spiel on why they should do the same thing. The only question you can ask related to diets is Is butter a carb? But only if you’re trying to solidify your knowledge of pop culture and not if you’re honestly asking the question.