1. This is the worst.
2. It’s the most wonderful time of the year. But everyone is yelling at each other. And I think that mom is drunk.
3. I could have done all of this on Amazon. Why am I here?
4. Help me I’m poor.
5. If I make it through this mall alive, I will reward myself with some Orange Julius. Or is that still the place in the mall where 13-year-olds meet to go on dates?
6. I’m trying to remain dead on the inside so that I can convince myself that none of this is real.
7. I can’t even walk by Abercrombie & Fitch without wanting to throw up everywhere. How do people breathe in that store?
8. I am now that “old person” complaining about how it’s impossible to breathe in Abercrombie & Fitch.
9. The Hallmark store makes me feel like someone puked up Christmas all over me. And not in a good way.
10. I’m feeling desperate enough to go home and watch a Lifetime Christmas movie right now.
11. I’m thinking about getting my brother a hat, but I’m pretty sure I’ve done that the last 8 years in a row.
12. I’m officially becoming a hermit and am never leaving the house again after this day.
13. Is it bad that every time I buy someone a present, a buy myself a present too?
14. I really hope I don’t run into anyone I know. Because small talk right now would be the death of me.
15. Maybe I’ll get some Cheesecake Factory to-go on my way out. And by maybe I mean definitely.
16. The clothes at Gap Kids are definitely getting sluttier.
17. When I pay for things with my credit card, it doesn’t even feel real! Omg haha debt is hilarious lol.
18. What is something unique I can get my dad that for once is unrelated to golf or wine?
19. Next year, to avoid all this, I’m going to write everyone “heartfelt poems” for Christmas. That way if they complain, they’re a douchebag and I’m the victim.
20. How can I get this person the appropriately-sized sweater that they need without offending them?
21. If you get someone a gift basket from Bath & Body Works, how strongly does that say “I spent zero time thinking about you or your gift this year”?
22. How did my parents do all this, and maintain their sanity, when we were kids?
23. When I get home tonight I’m drinking an entire punch bowl of egg nog.
24. I finally understand the emotional and psychological turmoil the Grinch went through over his hatred for Christmas.
25. Once I can go home and change into something with an elastic waistband and get away from all these people, I’m sure I’ll love Christmas again.
26. Why does the “Christmas Shoes” song have to come on in a public place? Everyone is going to be freaked out when I start sobbing.
27. I sort of understand why the Mall Santas keep a flask in their pants.