1. I definitely would not sound as cool as Sarah Koenig if I was running a podcast about a murder case.
2. I know that this all isn’t going to be solved by the end of the season but I still HAVE TO LISTEN.
3. I’m just now starting to think that the court room scene in Legally Blonde is not very realistic.
4. There must be some kind of clue that thousands of other people have missed that I’m going to pick up on, and then I’ll be responsible for solving this case.
5. Oh my GOD it was definitely Adnan. No, wait. Jay is totally shady. No, oh my God it was absolutely Mr. S. Or maybe it was Professor Plum in the dining room with the candlestick.
6. If I have to hear “MailChimp. Mail…. Keeeemp?” one more time I’m actually going to hit someone.
7. I need to start keeping an extremely detailed log of everything I’m doing at all times in case someone frames me for murder and I can’t remember where I was.
8. I can never spend another Saturday holed up alone in my apartment all day, because I won’t have a believable alibi when I am inevitably wrongly accused of murder.
9. I’m starting to hallucinate the Serial theme song playing out loud when I’m walking by myself and I’m wondering if I should be concerned.
10. Wait. What did I used to do before I listened to this podcast? And what am I supposed to do when it’s over?
11. For some reason I keep picturing Adnan with the cast of Orange Is the New Black even though he’s a dude and that show isn’t real life. Shit is starting to get weird.
12. Maybe I should quit my job and become a detective. Or I should go to law school. Or just find something that makes me not feel dead inside.
13. Serial is a lot like Blues Clues. Except Serial is less creepy.
14. At some point in this podcast, Adnan will magically remember where he was on January 13, 1999 and this will all be solved and I shall have peace of mind again.
15. How does Sarah Koenig just never lose her shit? Because I’m FREAKING OUT over here.
16. I’m starting to have panic attacks thinking about the fact that there are only 12 episodes in this podcast and then it just stops and then I have to just WAIT for season 2.
17. Why is no one suspicious of these witnesses who keep having their voices supposedly “changed” for the podcast? They sound like murderous chipmunks and I bet it was one of them.
18. When I think about the fact that this is all real, my mind is blown.
19. I wish I could erase all this information from my memory so that I could go back and listen to it all over again.
20. There’s not even a point in trying to hide that I’m listening to this at work because everyone else is doing the same thing.
21. My heart rate has been really fast during this episode so I guess that means I can skip the gym today.
22. I really should donate money to the podcast, but I feel like MailChimp and SquareSpace have it covered at this point.
23. If Sarah Koenig had to narrate my life, would she able to do it without being judgmental or sounding bored?