1. Yes, you’re well aware that wine bottles aren’t technically people. But you don’t care. Wine loved you back when your ex-boyfriend wouldn’t. So as far as you’re concerned, Sutterhome is the Jack to your Rose.
2.You’ve spent at least one hour of your life figuring out how you can get the wine glasses that Olivia Pope uses.
3. When you
willingly accidentally saw the final Twilight movie and watched Jacob imprint on Bella’s baby, you thought about the fact that if you were in his shoes, you would imprint on an oversized bottle of Barefoot.
4. You carry a bag of Franzia around at parties like it’s the hottest thing in the world and you can’t believe you’re lucky enough to have it on your arm.
5. Anytime one of your friends sees a funny wine contraption online, they text it to you or post it to your Facebook or tag you in the Instagram photo. And each time, you seriously consider purchasing said contraption.
6. You’ve woken up more than once to come face-to-face with an empty bottle of wine. You pulled it in close to you and nestled its neck, offering to be big spoon for the rest of the morning.
7. Charles Shaw, aka Two-Buck Chuck, is the only man you’ll ever trust.
8. You like to imagine that on your deathbed, you’ll be snuggled up to a bottle of Yellowtail in the same way that Allie and Noah were cuddled up at the end of The Notebook. Except people will cry harder at your love story.
9. Sometimes, when you buy a bottle of wine after work and bring it home to your apartment, you feel the need to recite romantic movie quotes to it. There’s been more than one occasion where you’ve made eye contact with that bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and whispered “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
10. You acknowledged that you would never, ever do Weight Watchers once you found out that a glass of wine is 5 points. You were just too appalled at the inhumanity of it all. You thought about holding a protest, but you opened a bottle of red instead.
11. Every time you go to a wine tasting, you never use words like “oakey” or “silky” or “austere” to describe what you’re drinking. Instead, you just swallow 3 glasses whole and then tell strangers that the wine makes you feel “pretty” and “loved” and “not dramatic.”
12. You think the opening monologue of Love Actually would be a lot more meaningful and endearing if Hugh Grant switched out the word “love” for the word “wine.” Something along the lines of “It seems to me that wine is everywhere. Often, it’s not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it’s always there… If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that wine actually is all around.”
13. …and if it were possible, you would make a love proclamation to wine the same way that that creepy guy does for Keira Knightly in Love Actually. Wine would answer the door looking shy and surprised, and you’d hold up a sign that says “To me, you are perfect.”
14. You’ve tried taking a wine tasting class before, but you drank too many glasses during the actual taste testing part of the class and then you blacked out and forgot everything you learned.
15. When you’re at a restaurant and the waitress tries to take away your glass before you’re finished, you instinctively unleash a protective and ferocious growl. Then you clear your throat and politely ask her if you can have it back and try to act like the first thing didn’t just actually happen.
16. When your mom casually suggests that you drink a lot of wine, you stutter defensively and sputter out things like “Antioxidants” and “It prevents heart disease” and “I’m lonely” as a way to justify your behavior.
17. When people ask you what you do, you briefly touch on your boring job and then tell them you’d rather do what Dennis Quaid does in The Parent Trap.
18. You profess that you’ll love wine no matter what, and you don’t care what it looks like. It could be in a bottle or a bag or a juicebox or poured into your cupped hands. You’ll have it any way you can get it.
19. You try to keep a glass of wine in your hand as often as possible, just in case you’re ever in a situation where there are fireworks in the background and you have the chance to make eye contact with someone and raise your glass the same way Leo does in The Great Gatsby. This can sometimes make situations like job interviews and going to church awkward, but you’re dedicated at this point.
20. Whenever your friend texts you that they’re having a get-together, you ask who you should bring along: Pinot Grigio? Riesling? Merlot? Moscato? Cab?
21. Wine makes you cry. Wine makes you do stupid things. Wine makes you giddy. Wine makes you act irrational and crazy. Ergo, wine is your lover.
22. You readily agree that Ben from The Bachelor was just the worst, but that you slightly forgave him because he owned a vineyard.
23. You’re not sure who you are or who you’re going to become or who you will marry or what you will do or whether or not you will have children. But you do know that someday you will have a wine fridge in your house.