1. To our older siblings: Yes, we copied you when we were little. We wanted to wear a green t-shirt because you were wearing a green t-shirt. We secretly thought you were cool and we didn’t want to admit it. But that doesn’t mean we don’t resent you for the time you discovered the joy of scissors and gave us a haircut.
2. The reason we so fiercely claim credit for introducing you to new songs and new bands is because we like to have a leg up on you, duh. Basically, we’re just looking for any way to make you feel inferior.
3. Middle Child Syndrome is REAL. But it’s also the perfect scapegoat for all of our problems. If we’re too loud or too crazy or too sensitive or too thirsty for attention, it’s not our fault. It’s because we were born in the middle. And you stole the attention that was rightfully ours.
4. We’re just now realizing that you used to put all your gross vegetables onto our plate at dinner time. And we foolishly ate them, like the clueless, little doe-eyed children that we were.
5. We’re well aware that our school plays or pageants were kind of like an annoying obligation to Mom and Dad. We weren’t the oldest child and therefore it was not the first time they got to see such a “special” show. We also weren’t the youngest child, and therefore it was not their last opportunity to see one of these “adorable” plays. We were just like this sad sap in the middle of their childbearing years, standing up on the stage dressed like a Christmas tree and singing to a baby doll in a manger.
6. We didn’t have the benefit of being the oldest child who experiences all the “firsts” or the youngest child who is the baby of the family. So instead we ended up being the sibling who had the pet cat or the rock collection or the Furby that we carried around everywhere. And we did not care.
7. We’re overzealous about documenting things in our life. Your first words were recorded on video camera. And your first steps were photographed and put in a baby book. And your first haircut was a monumental event that freaking Grandma and Grandpa came to, for the love of God. Then at some point we came along and Mom and Dad seem to have misplaced all the recording devices. So yes, we’re going to be meticulous about the wedding photographer we hire.
8. Apparently, some studies show that middle children have stronger immune systems than their siblings. So get ready. When the bird flu makes a comeback, we’ll finally have something we get to rub in your face.
9. Once we were allowed to dress ourselves, we chose the tutus and the capes and the princess crowns for a reason. It’s called strategy. How the hell else where we going to secure our individuality and make sure we still got noticed?
10. To the baby of the family: we were #overit the minute you came out of the womb. The oldest wanted to hold you and watch you all the time, and everyone fawned over the tender photo opportunity. Personally, we thought you were a little overrated. All you did was drool and cry. We gave the obligatory “hello” and posed for a couple pictures when you came home from the hospital. Then we went back outside to play Ghost in the Graveyard with our neighbors.
11. When you tell us that we’re like the Jan of the family, we want to punch you in the face. Because Jan is the WORST part of the Brady Bunch. She was the whiny, annoying middle child, whereas we’re like the cool, artsy, misunderstood middle child. Obviously.
12. Feel free to buy us that new wine that’s called “Middle Sister.” We will drink enough of it to forget the lack of attention we experienced as children.
13. We stand by the fact that Mom definitely let you choose the Saturday night movie we rented from Blockbuster way more than we got to choose it. And we are still bitter about it.
14. We pretty much got away with everything when we were younger. Especially in middle school and high school. Mom and Dad were too busy sending care packages to one of you in college, and taking photos of another one of you at your boring school awards assembly. And we were off, doing rebellious things like shopping at Hot Topic and getting drunk off of one Bud Light Strawberita.
15. We now realize that when our parents called us the “eccentric” one, it was their way of saying that we were weird. We prefer to say that we were unique and artistic and experimental.
16. Hand-me-downs are a thing of the past. One of the only reasons we were excited to leave the nest and experience adulthood is so that we could afford to buy our own clothes. Because it was tough being a side effect of your affinity towards jelly shoes and overalls.
17. It’s your fault that we had to learn how to change a diaper at such a young age. And we’re not talking about changing yours – we are referring to the fact that we were pretty much changing ourselves because Mom and Dad were preoccupied with making sure you were getting plumped up with Gerber food.
18. We totally judge you for the fact that you’re a college graduate and you still can’t cook. Because honey we were cooking macaroni and cheese at age 7, while we stood on a stool and waited to eat that gooey magical goodness in the shape of Spongebob’s head.