1. Compare your relationship to other people’s relationships. It should never just be about you and your partner and whether or not you’re happy together. Who cares if you have good communication? Who cares if you complement each other well and support each other and challenge each other? If you aren’t going on really cool date nights like the ones your co-worker is posting on Instagram, then what is the point of all this?
2. Nag your partner. Just keep doing it. If they ignore you, it’s probably because they didn’t hear you the first time or the seventh time. So just keep nagging them to do what you want, and eventually they’ll listen. It’s worked time and time again for plenty of other people, probably.
3. Be heavily concerned with how you look as a couple to other people. Maybe the two of you are perfect for each other. You love a lot of the same things, but you still introduce each other to new things. You are honest and loyal to one another. You laugh together. But if other people don’t think you look good as a couple, it’s not going to work. Your relationship is between you and your partner and your inner social circle and your parents and your one thousand friends on social media. So make sure you are always bringing your relationship back to what other people think of you.
4. Don’t bring up what’s bothering you. Keep it to yourself. Let it slowly boil up inside of you until you explode with rage in the middle of the restaurant when your partner tells you they think they’d rather do have fried shrimp as an appetizer, as opposed to spinach artichoke dip. Naturally, here’s your chance to relate their appetizer decision back to the fact that last week they didn’t help you clean up the kitchen after you guys had friends over. It’s very important to keep all of these issues to yourself until they are forced out of you at an inopportune moment. When it comes to relationships, whoever reveals the least about themselves and their emotions wins.
5. Ditch all of your friends and other commitments, and spend your time only with each other. Your friends definitely won’t get mad and talk about you behind your back. And you and your partner won’t get sick of each other at all. And it’s completely normal to have nothing going on in your life besides your significant other. In fact, when people ask what your hobbies are, it’s perfectly healthy to say “my boyfriend” or “my girlfriend.”
6. Try to make your partner be just like you. Don’t accept them for who they are. That’s a waste of your time and it’s slightly inconvenient for you. If they don’t watch Scandal, start forcing them to watch it with you on Thursday nights. If they don’t enjoy reading novels and then discussing the themes afterwards, don’t join a book club, just hound your partner to change the things they inherently enjoy. If they’re deathly allergic to peanuts, tell them to stop being that way. It will make it all easier for you in the long run.
7. Put physical intimacy above emotional intimacy. If one of you hurt the other’s feelings, or one of you is feeling unfulfilled, or one of you is upset about a friend, don’t talk about it. Just have sex. Afterwards, you will still be feeling restless and worried and emotionally unstable, but you just had sex, so at least you have that going for you. Having a solid emotional connection is overrated when it comes to relationships. Feelings are gross. You can easily maintain a healthy relationship with someone over the course of 50 years just through having fun in the sac and having nothing to talk about afterwards.
8. Keep score. Remember that if you cooked dinner, next time it’s your partner’s turn. Remember that if you paid the bar tab when you guys went out for drinks, your significant other owes you big time. Remember that if your partner farted and stunk up the whole room, it’s your duty to eat a lot of pasta and get them back. The healthiest relationships I know are when someone actually kept an index card in their wallet or purse and marked down a point each time they did something good, in order to make sure that this whole “relationship game” was being played fair and that their significant other wasn’t getting away with jack shit.
9. Do not give your partner any space. If you go more than 2 hours without texting them, they will most likely forget who you are, and that’s not a risk you should be willing to take. Always rearrange your entire schedule around them, and make sure to let them know that you stare at them while they are sleeping. They might seem totally creeped out, but deep down inside they are flattered and happy. Regardless of how they may seem, they definitely want to be with you all day, every day. So when you’re laying in bed and they say they have to go to the bathroom, offer to walk them there and hold their hand on the way there and wait for them outside the door. It will mean a lot.
10. Post your significant other as your #MCM or #WCW every week. No one will get tired of this, and everyone will agree that out of all the people in the entire world, your boyfriend is definitely the most worthy of being everyone else’s Man Crush every Monday. Be sure to use emoji’s that involve hearts or kissy faces.