1) I Can’t.
For every YouTube video that shocks me beyond belief, and every gif that is just too perfect to handle. For all the Facebook statuses that I’m surprised were shared, and all the tweets that are too funny to believe. There would be a magical Can’t button that would do nothing more than inform the world that I can’t.
2) I Literally Can’t.
Because “I can’t” and “I literally can’t” are on such different levels. The Literally Can’t button would just whip whatever was on my screen away forever, because it was Just. Too. Much.
3) Play Taylor Swift Song.
So that when I’m really in the mood to play “Shake It Off” but I’m completely ashamed about it, I can just tell my friends that I accidentally hit the Play Taylor Swift Song button, and I guess we just might as well let the song play out. Whatever. It’s not a big deal or anything.
A button that will magically start this incredible thing. Because opening up a browser and having to type in “Netflix.com” is just asking too much of me.
5) Insert Beyonce Gif.
There’s a Beyonce gif for every emotion. The sassy gif, the overconfident gif, the pensive gif, the remain-oddly-calm-while-your-sister-beats-up-your-husband-in-an-elevator gif. I need an Insert Beyonce Gif button when I’m just too lazy to respond to comments or emails with actual words and thoughts. Who better to count on to translate my emotions than Queen Bey?
One tap of this button, and my browser is loaded with dozens of articles that will distract me from doing work while simultaneously allowing me to take quizzes that tell me what flavor of hummus I would be. Because who hasn’t wondered the answer to that question?
7) Morgan Freeman.
When I press this button, a powerful, invisible voice belonging to Morgan Freeman would narrate everything I’m doing and everything I’m looking at on my computer. This is mostly a strategy to force me to step back and analyze my life and my choices. Perhaps, if my computer actions were narrated in a Morgan Freeman voice, I would realize that it’s a bad idea to spend 3 hours on Wikipedia learning about Oscar winners from 1997 and horrific plane crashes from the last 2 decades.
8) Google Search Erase.
So that I can periodically erase my Google searches with the push of one button. Sure, it takes no time to go into my history and delete everything, but I often forget. And the moment I remember is when my friend asks to borrow my computer. And I feel an inkling of fear in the pit of my stomach when I say yes and I wait for them to pull up my browser, which includes past searches like How do you make scrambled eggs and Can you get cancer from standing in front of a microwave.
9) An Empty Crater for Potato Chips.
No button needed here. Just a nicely-sized concave area in the middle of my keyboard where I can store potato chips and other necessities.