You don’t so much wake up as you slowly and regretfully crack open one eyelid, only to find that existing right now is extremely painful and inconvenient. You eventually make your way to the couch, where you lay for hours, waiting for this Hangover of Death to go away. By Hour 4, you feel like it’s never going to go away, and you find yourself making deal after deal with the universe – stipulations you will agree to if this awful feeling would just stop. Here are 18 of the deals that you make with the universe to end your hangover from hell.
1. You will get up at a decent hour on weekends and be a productive member of society. In your mind, going to brunch is being a productive member of society because you’re putting money back into the economy. But still, you’ll do other things too. Maybe clean out your car or run some errands.
2. You will have one day a week where you don’t wear leggings as pants. You’ve been doing it long enough, but no one at the office has said anything. So you eventually slid from occasionally wearing leggings to work to doing it every single day. But if your headache goes away, you promise that you will wear actual pants once in a while.
3. You will stop drinking and eating all of your roommate’s groceries. What’s “borrowing” one egg or two here and there? Harmless, right? But eventually doing that has turned into you drinking their entire gallon of orange juice. You vow that from now on, you will buy these things on your own.
4. You will let strangers have the prime seating on the subway. No more sneakily creeping in front of them when the train arrives so that you can snag that one open seat. No, from now on, you will be a good person and you will stand near the door and accidentally hold hands with the creepy old man 3 different times when you’re trying to grab the pole for balance.
5. You will only order pizza when it’s a serious, desperate emergency. Or when you’re hungry.
6. You will practice “mindfulness” or whatever the hell all your cool, hippie friends are always talking about. Your version of mindfulness might be not falling asleep while you’re looking at spreadsheets, but still, you’re using your mind and letting it be full and ergo you are practicing mindfulness.
7. You will go jogging. Sometimes.
8. You will stick to beer from now on when you go out drinking. You will only drink vodka on special occasions, like Christmas. Or Friday.
9. You will be nice to the sales clerk when they ask you if you want to open a credit card. Because guess what? They don’t give a shit about you either. They’re just saying this to you because their boss is making them. If you explain that no, you’re tired of people asking you this, they will already be ignoring you and counting down how many minutes they have left on the clock. So from now one, you will actually be polite when you answer them.
10. On that note, you will stop opening credit cards. You will just stop doing it.
11. You will stop grabbing 16 napkins to put in your bag whenever you’re at the fast food restaurant counter. Because you only end up using 2 and you don’t even know why you grab so many in the first place. Maybe it makes you feel like you’re somehow being cleaner and more respectable while you swallow a cheeseburger whole. But from now on, you will stop being so wasteful.
12. You will stop throwing passive aggressive looks at your coworker when they’re chewing their apple really loudly. We’ve all been there. Apples are delicious but they’re really loud and obnoxious. We know it’s gross to listen to someone else eat one, but when we eat one it’s different. So you promise not to hate your coworker when they eat that apple-y goodness.
13. You’ll start practicing yoga. Even if it just means sticking your leg out at weird angles while you sit on the couch. You’re still working towards that whole “getting in touch with the universe” thing. You just happen to be watching The Biggest Loser at the same time.
14. On that note, you promise to stop watching The Biggest Loser when you want to feel better about yourself. It’s sick, but when they taunt the contestants with cupcakes, you feel strangely satisfied.
15. You’ll stop diagnosing yourself with a brain tumor every time you have a headache. Hypochondria is real. And you will beat it!
16. You’ll clean this entire apartment. You’ll do the dishes and clean your room and empty out your closet. And you’ll even wax the floors, even though you don’t know how to do that. But only if this hangover disappears forever.
17. You’ll floss three times a day. Or even just at all. Then the dental hygienist can’t smugly lecture you and tell you it’s your fault that your gums are bleeding, and that the blood has nothing to do with the sharp metal torture device that she’s shoving in your mouth. And she won’t have the pleasure of telling on you when the dentist comes in to check on your teeth and your overall progress as a person.
18. You’ll take out the trash whenever it’s full. Instead of trying to win a game of Trash Jenga with your roommates. You will just suck it up and give up what seems like an hour of your time to take the bag out of the trash can and out to the garbage. It ends up taking 67 seconds.