1. You never forgive your friends for saying “#blessed” unless it’s because they’re about to eat something absurdly and offensively fattening.
2. You are extra nice to your roommates if you notice they’re starting to cook a meal. And then when they ask if you’d like any, you pause, act like you hadn’t thought about it, and then say “sure, I guess” as if you’re doing it because you don’t want to hurt their feelings.
3. You spend the last hour of your night at the bar thinking about what you’re going to eat when you get home.
4. You have more apps on your phone for food than for anything else.
5. Sometimes when the food delivery guy shows up, you yell “food’s here!” to your empty apartment so he doesn’t think it’s all for you. Even though it is and you will eat it all in one sitting.
6. The only way to enjoy a trip to the movies is if you smuggle in a bag full of candy, snacks, and soda. You do not feel bad about the loud crinkling of your potato chip bag, because you’re all here seeing “That Awkward Moment” which was a dumb decision to begin with.
7. When a friend tells you about their new obsession with CrossFit or Zumba, you zone out and start ranking your favorite breakfast cereals.
8. When you order a cheeseburger at a restaurant and your annoying, health-conscious friend asks if you want to split it, your pupils turn red and smoke starts coming out of your nose. “No,” you say simply. “I’m doing this alone, Jennifer.”
9. When someone asks you if you’re aware of how many calories are in that bag of Doritos, you tell them to stop trying to suck all of the joy out of your life.
10. You absolutely love Valentine’s Day, even when you’re single, because there’s chocolate at the front of all the grocery stores and you can pretend you’re buying it for someone else.
11. Your friends know they have a much higher chance of getting you to come over and hang out with them if they mention the magical words “Take Out.”
12. The moment you were most attracted to your significant other was when you were hungover and they showed up at your door with a large pizza.
13. You think of the Super Bowl as the night where you get to eat tons of amazing food as long as you first spend an obligatory 15 minutes socializing with people you know through a friend of a friend.
14. You hate the judges on Chopped because you think the food all looks amazing but they’re just bitching about the fact that the presentation isn’t “artistic” enough.
15. Sometimes during a boring office happy hour or mandatory meeting, you start making a detailed to-do list of what food you’re going to eat, and in what order, the minute you walk in the door from work.
16. You unintentionally trust someone a little less when they tell you they’ve never eaten Chipotle.
17. If you go out to a restaurant for your birthday, you pretend you don’t mind if they include several forks for your friends when they bring out your free slice of birthday cake. But in reality, you are dead inside.