1. You go to the movies to see whatever Thanksgiving blockbuster is playing this year, but it’s never about watching the actual film. It’s all about the trip you take to the gas station beforehand. You stock up on what seems like a year’s worth of snacks, candy, and soda, just to sit through a two-hour movie. But inside you are triumphant, because you are sticking it to the man and avoiding the $10 fountain drinks they would charge you at the actual theater. Please remember to bring an actual purse to hide all the food, or else your brother will stick a bottle of Coke in his sweatpants and it will slide out the bottom right as he’s walking by the ticket attendant. (I’m speaking generally here, of course).
2. You acknowledge that you’ve lost all interest in meeting up with high school friends, and would rather sit on the couch with your family. Meeting back up with high school friends means having to shower, brave the cold, and make painful small talk with people you forgot existed. Why do that when you could sit on the couch with the other spawn of your parents and watch a Harry Potter movie marathon on ABC Family? Say it with me now… Nawt me. Nawt Hermione. YOU!
3. Your parents make you guys pose for the Christmas card picture, and all hell breaks loose. What should take approximately 7 minutes ends up taking 2 hours. Someone takes too long to get ready. You inevitably get into a fight about who gets to hold the dog. Your mom still stands to the side and tries to comb your hair in-between shots, even though you are no longer toddlers. You let her, because it’s easier than putting up a fight.
4. You either prepare to go out for Black Friday together, or you make fun of other people that go out for Black Friday. Either way, you feel solidified in your plans and you’re always on the same page.
5. You force your siblings to come with you when your mom asks you to go pick something up at the grocery store. You refuse to go alone, because you shouldn’t be the only one who has to put on pants today. So you eventually roll into the kitchen and scream at your siblings until they emerge from their bedrooms-turned-caves, and demand that they come to the store with you. No, you don’t actually need help. Yes, you know where to go. You just refuse to be the only one who has to do something productive today and you want them to partake in your misery.
6. You spend 45 minutes arguing over which on-demand movie to order every single night. You never end up choosing a movie. Instead, you watch the annoying Entertainment Tonight anchor talk loudly about the upcoming film Saving Christmas starring Kirk Cameron. You utter a couple sentences about how Kirk Cameron is the worst, before you realize that one of your siblings is asleep and drooling with their mouth open. You take a couple photos and then go to bed.
7. You spend the entire day watching your parents prepare Thanksgiving dinner, and none of you offer to help. Your laziness increases because of your solidarity. Your parents work on the dinner for hours. You eat it in 15 minutes. Then you take a nap for 2 hours and sleep it all off. Because your’e exhausted. Because you’ve had to wait around for dinner all day.
8. You all appreciate the incredible aspects of being in a house where established adults live. You can’t get enough of the automatic ice cube dispenser. You forgot how convenient it was. Your parents are baffled by your strange behavior but your siblings get it. Because they know what it’s like to open the freezer, see that the ice cube tray is empty, and curse their roommates into oblivion. Nothing is better than ice cubes that are prepared magically behind closed doors.
9. You spend the week prior to Thanksgiving talking details in a group text, and you pretend you’re not excited to see each other. Offensive nicknames are traded back and forth. You crack jokes about your parents. One of your siblings demands to be picked up from the airport by anyone other than Dad because he drives too slowly. You respond with the poop emoji even though it doesn’t make sense.
10. You hold an extremely serious and emotional debate about who the family pet likes the most. Everyone believes the pet likes them the most, and no one is willing to compromise. You try an unbiased ranking system, but no one can agree. The argument ends with opening another bottle of wine and someone calling someone else a dumbass.
11. You take car rides together around your hometown, during which you play socially unacceptable songs that you actually love. Songs that you could never play in the car with your friends, because they would shame you. So much Taylor Swift happens in this brief moment in time. And it’s everything.
12. You refuse to ride anywhere with your parents, and insist on taking a siblings-only car. Yes, you are being a diva, but riding with your parents involves your mom telling you that the music is too loud. It’s at Volume Level 6. Out of 25. Riding with your siblings allows you to play music at a level where you can actually hear it.
13. If you are somehow forced to ride in the car with your parents, you sit in the backseat and regress to the way you used to behave as children. You yell at your brother for kicking your chair, and you start whining that you’re tired and hungry and need a nap. When your parents say that you can’t pull over somewhere to pee, you stomp your feet and scream like an infant, even though you’re an adult who pays bills and owns a business suit.
14. Your oldest sibling lectures the rest of you when you’re being immature. This only serves to further increase your immaturity. Pretty soon you are behaving worse than your 3-year-old cousin.
15. You are called a lard, an idiot, a dumbass, a moron, and a million other things that would totally insult you if it was coming from someone other than one of your siblings. But that’s just what siblings do. Because they suck. They’re there to tell you that you also suck, but that they’ll still stay by your side no matter how many days you go without taking a shower.
16. Your parents start referring to you all as a unit. They use collective nouns and forget that you’re all individuals. If one if you gets too drunk at the family party, you all got too drunk at the family party. If one of you is being annoying, you’re all being annoying. If one of you is embarrassing the family, you’re all embarrassing the family. Strength in numbers my friends.