1. It’s perfectly normal for 3 grown men to live together and raise families in the same house and NEVER EVER stop living in this existence.
2. A family made up of 9 people can totally fit comfortably into a San Francisco townhouse.
3. If you grow up as an adorable little blonde girl with catch phrases like “How rude!” you might end up addicted to smoking crack.
4. Say crack again. CRACK!
5. If you’re having an emotionally significant moment and sappy music doesn’t start playing, your feelings don’t count.
6. Naming your dog Comet is lazy and basic.
7. Every townhouse/apartment in San Francisco comes with a basement, a beautiful backyard, and an attic that can be turned into a small loft for a family of 4.
8. According to the character intros in the Full House theme song, typical hobbies for San Francisco dwellers include feeding sandwiches to dogs, waxing cars that you don’t own, and hanging portraits of yourself on the family mantle.
9. If your boyfriend’s name is Steve, his voice is probably sexy enough to get him cast as the voice of Aladdin.
10. When people say “cut it out!” with matching hand gestures, you will feel a sudden onslaught of aggression and you will want to shove them. This is natural.
11. If you know someone named Gia, stay away from her. She might be popular, but she’s a bad influence. (Case in point.)
12. It’s necessary to ask the important questions about the human condition, such as “Whatever happened to predictability?” and “Where is the milk man? The paper boy? Evening T.V.?”
13. If you try to take up horseback riding you will fall off your horse and have a seriously dramatic concussion.
14. Woodchuck puppets are the worst and they will haunt you forever.
15. If you don’t know what to do with your life, become a cable morning news host in San Francisco. At the very least, you will hold a cup of coffee and meet a woman who will be your co-host and eventually marry your brother-in-law and have twin boys with him and move into your attic and live there comfortably for years to come.