Why I Stayed With Him A Little Longer

Girl On Roof Smoking And Thinking
Riccardo Fissore

There have been countless of times when I asked myself, why? Why am I still staying? And every time I ask myself that question, I can only say because maybe.

Because maybe you’ll change back to the way you were with me. That I would wake up with a note on the bed side table that says “ Good morning, sweetie. Your breakfast is ready. See you later, I love you.” Or to the smell of bacon you cook before starting to stare at my bare drooling-sleeping face.

Because maybe you’ll realize how exciting it is to come home after a long day at work knowing that I prepared dinner or the thought of just going home to me as much as it excites me hear you open the gate while I hide in the closet.

Because maybe she was really just a friend who happens to be so comfortable to be resting her head on your lap and that you’re a gentleman to be caressing her hair as she sleeps. I kept telling myself you’re really just a sweet guy…… Or are you?

Because maybe one day you’ll realize the hell we’ve been through together and that it would suddenly hit you. You know? That you’d never what to have it any other way. But you did not. And every time I look for a tiny bit of hope in your eyes, they tell me otherwise.

It’s true what they say, that when you love someone, you’ll find one reason to stay even if the world has given you millions of reasons to leave. And that’s what I did. Because what else, right?

I hung on to the illusion of us until eventually, us became an I. And you, together with your promises and good morning notes have been swept by God knows what because how am I supposed to know, right? You were keeping secrets when I thought they were surprises and boy was I so blind to see.

I didn’t leave sooner and that’s where I was wrong. For staying, for holding on to a slight chance that maybe, just maybe, it’s still me. I didn’t realize sooner that we were still two different people and that people change and forget to tell each other. I wish I listened to my teacher in 8th grade when she said the answers are already in front of you, you just have to look at it. And then there you were, shoving it right to my face and I didn’t even notice it or maybe I kept my eyes closed, I couldn’t remember anymore.

So, you see, it wasn’t the world that gave me reasons to leave, it was you. And now that I have, I’ve never been better because facing the uncertainties alone is better than facing uncertainties with someone who only pretends to fill in the gaps. Thank you because now I remembered, I always loved working alone anyway. TC mark

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