It was one fine Friday after noon, we were lying on your bed. It’s a mystery how we can spend long hours just holding hands and staring at each other, telling lame stories and cracking jokes that aren’t funny that we still laugh at anyway. You were rubbing my leg with one hand and you held my hand with the other while I play with your perfectly straight hair. You gazed at me and you sat back up. I asked you why, what’s the matter? You gave me one last shy peek and there you were, uttering the words I’m afraid to hear. “I love you.”
For the first time in my life I felt frightened from the words I always admired. I wanted to build my walls that encircled me before I met you. It suffocated me. You were looking for my answers from my eyes and I couldn’t help but to look away because I’m afraid my eyes would tell you otherwise. For the first time in forever I didn’t know what to answer back. I became mute in a matter of seconds and it only took you 3 words to do that. I was startled it’s as if suddenly I am in a wild forest with all the wild animals surrounding me ready to rip me apart. “okay” . I couldn’t believe myself for saying okay.
I know what I used to say, I just couldn’t say it. You looked down and I was disgusted with myself. I am sorry but this is what love left me. I’m sorry if I never heard that word for a long time it made me forget what it was. I’m sorry if I couldn’t tell you what we are. Believe me when I say I know how much it hurts when the love you give cannot be given back to you and I wanted to tell you that you don’t deserve just an okay. But okay is the only answer I can give for now.
I’m sorry for being lost. I didn’t want to be lost, someone just left me in the middle of nowhere and somehow I couldn’t find my way back. You gave me the light I needed to get me to where I am now, where we are. But I’m sorry that this is not yet the last path where I learn to say I love you back. I wanted to scream that I love you too but my throat was just too weak from screaming too much in the past. I’m sorry that you had to find me shattered into pieces and you had to cut yourself just to put me back together.
I started crying but I don’t understand why. You stood up, closed the door and left. I went to your bathroom and saw you added another toothbrush for me, a towel with my name embedded on it was carefully folded on top of yours on the rack. I washed my face in hopes that I could wake up from this awful dream. But I didn’t. You went back with a pint of rocky road ice cream because you knew just what I needed. You laid us in bed keeping your arm wrapped around my waist while you let me help myself with the ice cream you just bought right after I responded okay when you told me you love me.
I know it wasn’t fair but you didn’t care to bleed just a little more. And in that moment, even if we both knew I was scared, I didn’t want to run away.