It’s okay that I fell hard for you when there was no soft place to land. I trusted you with my whole heart, which is something that I don’t do quite often. It takes a lot for me to open up, and when I did, there was only the illusion of a safe space. Only a fragmented, distorted version of authenticity that I bought in to.
It hurts to feel left out and disregarded by someone that I thought the world of. It came so suddenly and so swiftly that I did not have time to catch my breath. One minute you were here and the next you were gone. I wasn’t enough, you simply explained, and with that I knew. It took me a while, but I knew it was okay.
It’s okay that I wasn’t funny enough. Your jokes were always about someone or something that did not deserve to be laughed at. People have feelings, but you don’t when you decide to make someone or something that you deemed unworthy as the central theme of your jokes. Because I didn’t laugh or join in on those bigamist, racist, or homophobic eptihets disguides a light-hearted humor. It’s okay that I wasn’t funny enough to engage in that.
It’s okay that I wasn’t “smart” enough. I didn’t graduate from the same college that you did. I haven’t read the books that you have. I have accomplished what you have. I worked hard to build the life that I wanted in the most authentic way that I could. That was enough for me. I did the best with the skills that I have. That is enough for me, even if it wasn’t enough for you.
It’s okay that I wasn’t fun enough. I didn’t decide to join you every night on your alcohol-fueled benders. I didn’t decide to party my money away or to trade my responsibilities for an endless stream of good times. I didn’t decide to compromise my standards in order to be considered fun and cool in your eyes or anyone else’s. My definition of fun wasn’t enough for you, and I’m okay with that.
It’s okay that I wasn’t clear enough. I thought it would be better to go along to get along than face the problems that we had head on. I choose silence and passive-aggressiveness over clear communication of my needs. It wasn’t enough for us because I didn’t feel in my soul that I would be understood by someone who would only minimize my feelings. I didn’t feel like there was enough emotional understanding to do so, and it wasn’t enough.
It’s okay that I wasn’t loyal enough. Loyalty has always been something I cherished and honored. It was my compass until you rerouted my course. My loyalty wasn’t enough to keep you loyal to me. My loyalty wasn’t enough for someone who used it as a weapon against me. My loyalty wasn’t enough for someone who thought my sense of loyalty would continue to make allowances for mistreatment. Because my loyalty is a precious gift, it can not be enough for you.