I don’t get why everyone is still making such a huge fuss that Ryan Gosling is fathering Eva Mendes’ baby. Men-turned-fathers are so hot and also, the two aren’t currently together (or at least, won’t be together for long). So while everyone decides to cry and bitch about it, I am going to sit back and plan the interior of baby Gosling’s new room, as I fully plan to marry him within the next few months pre-birth, and raise this baby as my own. I honestly think this is the very best thing for the sake of the baby and our soon to be cute mixed family. I’ve always wanted biracial babies anyways, since my complexion is too fair to be passed down to my kin, so this is truly a blessing. Can’t wait, Ryan. Wink.
Anyway, as I was choosing between gender neutral shades of taupes and light nectarines, I decided that in order to protect the common good of all the women and gay men in the world, it would be absolutely apropos to explain the top five reasons why he chose Eva to habitually make love to (I say this instead of other choice words because I can totally tell he’s a “love maker”) and not you. I do this in the hopes of giving “the people” peace of mind and also to remind you that there is a rhyme and reason to why sometimes ugly people can finish first.
Try to really meditate on these reasons, because they could be the only things keeping you together when the baby is actually born.
1. Word on the street is that his relationship with our number one girl, Rachel McAdams, ended because she wasn’t ready to have children. So the answer could be as simple as he wanted a mini-me and Mendes was willing to give one to him. But I’m just not buying that, it’s too easy.
2. Signing up to star in The Place Beyond The Pines was clearly a massive mistake for Ryan, seeing as it was the actual worst movie ever. He must have thought that if he dated his costar, the two deathly wrong decisions would somehow make a right. And I’m not entirely convinced it made a “wrong” because that baby will be so effing CUTE, but…but…Eva?!
3. A combination of the bleach used to dye his hair platinum blonde and the ink from his fake tattoos for the movie could have seeped all the way into the depths of his blood stream, really messing up his cognitive sense of judgment.
4. Maybe he saw how unbelievably hot he looked in Gangster Squad last year and knew that he really had a moral obligation to procreate. *Likely*
5. He was probably super pissed because Rachel McAdams has been rumored to be seeing Jake Gyllenhaal, and I’m sorry but since the thought of Gyllenhaal making out with anyone I know personally would make me possibly slip into a fit of madness, I can only imagine what it could have done to Ryan’s sensitive soul and abs.
Look guys, we all know Eva just doesn’t suit Ryan. It’s like the time Lana Del Rey had dark brown hair. We all knew it was too harsh on her (and didn’t compliment her brow structure at all) but she really needed to figure that out on her own, and she inevitably did. I predict the same will happen to Ryan.
There is still something we’re missing though. It is just undeniably factual that Ryan Gosling could have any girl he wants. So why? No really, why Eva? I’ve been trying to unpack the reasons for the last few points, but I just don’t think you’re getting it. So here, the answer to why he picked Eva instead of you is as clear as the Swarovski crystal chandelier I just purchased for the baby room…
He’s just out of your league and always will be.
I’m thinking of having that engraved on a platinum plate above Baby RG’s crib, what do you think?