It’s not true what they say. You can teach an old dog new tricks — especially this trick. Kissing is definitely a learned behavior and the best teacher is practice. But that begs the question that just because you can, doesn’t mean you should have to. And at this point in my life, I don’t have the time nor the energy to make my own breakfast every morning, let alone teach you the ins and outs of a knee-weakening smooch. Which is the only kind of smooch worth smooching, amirite?
Half of this, I truly believe, is an issue over chemistry. It’s either there or it’s just not, but what if it is there and your guy or girl is simply an amateur kisser? Their ex could have been a bad kisser too, and thus he or she was given positive feedback when negative feedback was due. Maybe they even pulled a Flick move in A Christmas Story one time and literally froze off the parts of their tongue that control kissing aptitude.
Or, they just suck. So here’s what you should do:
1. Talk to your partner about their kissing past. What has led to this unacceptable kissing? Is there a traumatic event that triggered a malfunction? It’s worth checking into, but that’s probably not the problem here.
2. Tell them your needs — what you would like to go on in your mouth from now on and what you want to never happen under any circumstances ever again.
3. Give them your full support. Let them know that you are here as their tongue spirit guide during this explorative process, but not forever. Because the reality is that if they aren’t getting it in, say a week, their cognitive skills that could potentially be passed onto your future children are in question, and you’ll have no choice but to say goodbye.
4. Practice. I mean that in a purely educational way and in the least floozie way possible. It’s fun, unless it’s not. In which case, refer to step 6.
5. Has college taught you nothing? Refer to your sources while you’ve got them. Talk to their exes. Talk to their parents if you have to, and ask them the important questions. How long did they use a binky as a child? What was their relationship like with the tooth fairy? Do their exes have severely crooked teeth or LMS (large mouth syndrome)? I feel these are particularly common problems among bad kissers.
If you have exhausted all of these options, don’t worry, there’s still one more thing you can do. It is what I do when faced with this unfortunate situation, and it is:
6. Kick their ass to the curb, it’ll never work. You want to know why? Because if their kissing is lazy, you can only imagine the other ways in which this person is lazy and I am forced to assume they aren’t worth the work. Kissing can be taught, but passion cannot.
I wish you all luck on your journeys to kissing happiness, and may you all find the kisser of your dreams! But know this, if you find yourself thinking that you’ve never experienced a bad kiss in your life, maybe the cold hard truth is that someone is reading this and thinking of you.