Anatomy Of The Female Facebook Farce


Facebook, without question one of the most revolutionary and significant creations of the 21st century. It has produced an information and social platform unlike anything we have seen since probably the invention of the television, and of course the internet itself. The capability to reach out to literally billions of people around the globe in an instant. A platform to share important information and facts (unless it’s from FOX News) that otherwise may not receive the attention it ought to. The wonderful ability to reconnect or maintain relationships with lost friends or family. So leave it to women to take this remarkable invention and turn it into a tool for their narcissism and attention grabbing needs. Women have the innate ability to make everything about them, especially Facebook. It’s like the reverse “Midas touch.” Everything they touch turns to shit.

It is literally impossible to scroll through any Facebook news feed and not be bombarded with selfies, woe is me/look at me statuses and pathetic cries for attention from half the women in your friend list. I personally have so many hidden I don’t know why I even keep them. Let me also say, yes, men can be just as bad. I have a couple males in my feed that post as much, or more, ridiculous trash than any women. But let’s be real here, it really is no comparison. Let’s discuss some of the classic attention grabs we all see and what they actually mean.

1. Excessive Selfies

Probably the most obvious violation. A selfie or two for your profile pic, no big deal. But we all have those chicks that just need to affirm their desirability on almost a daily basis with yet another selfie. It is so contrived and non-spontaneous. We get it, you don’t like yourself very much. You need to constantly be reminded that someone thinks you are “so pretty” or “looking hot, girl”. It is an incredible turnoff and an enormous red flag for anyone that would consider dating you. You are needy and will never be able to get enough affirmation to satisfy you.

Some take it further than others with gratuitous selfies of themselves scantily clad in the mirror usually with some slutty expression on their face. Basically just screaming “Please, someone tell me I am hot or I won’t sleep tonight.” Later on she probably will hit the club and guzzle down Vegas Bombs until she wakes up in yet another stranger’s bed. More than anything it is sad, to be honest. Narcissism isn’t always for those with high self-esteem after all. Usually quite the opposite.

The “accidental” cleavage or ass shot is always a classic, and sadly obvious when you see it. “Check out my new necklace” is the caption, as it just so happens to be an overhead shot of it hanging around her neck while she is wearing a pushup bra in a tank top, virtually strangling herself with her own boobs. Yeah, you wanted to show us your necklace. “Love my new bathing suit!” Queue ass in the bathroom mirror. Not obvious at all. Unfortunately thirsty men will always be there to provide the comment fuel she needs, only perpetuating the problem.

2. Status Abuse

You have seen it, we all have. The sad and/or awkwardly boasting status update. Usually quite cryptic in order to lure empathetic inquires and comments. Examples similar to:

“Some days you can’t win, I should just give up.”

“Why do I bother, I will just stay in bed all day.”

“Sick again, why me?”

Boo fucking hoo. Deal with it, we all have problems and bad days. However we don’t all feel the need to share it with the world and seek sympathy from the masses. It’s just another attention grab and it’s pathetic they need to go there.

Just as bad are the overly enthused, ‘be jealous of me’ type statuses. Such as:

“I have the best life, I am so lucky”

“Life could not get any better. I did this that and the other thing. Blah Blah.”

“Today was amazing, I have the best boyfriend/husband ever, I am so blessed.”

Nobody gives a shit. They are simply just trying to win the endless competition they have with other females for who has the ‘better’ life.

3. Relationship Wars

This brings me to another favorite. As noted, all of these things are for two reasons. Attention and competition. Women are constantly competing with each other for attention and when it comes to their relationships, all bets are off. Regular photos of the ‘happy couple’ on vacation, in their new house or the flowers she got for her birthday. “My boyfriend loves me so much”. Basically code for “Ha ha, my relationship is better than yours.” These are things I personally believe should be left private between a couple. I mean, nobody cares. If she is going to do that, she should also tell us when she got busted sexting her co-worker. Whatever. Anything to show off. All her girlfriends will try to subtlety one-up with their own posts. Oddly enough they feel obligated to ‘like’ each other’s garbage because they don’t want to appear envious, and they want her to reciprocate the ‘like’ when it is their own turn. I personally have witnessed women make their men re-create spontaneous moments so they could get a picture and post it on Facebook. Pathetic, to say the least. If she gets engaged, forget about it, before she even calls her mom she had 5 pictures of the ring on Facebook. A sad and predictable game with no real winners.

4. Agenda Of The Day

Facebook is also a great place to put on display your philosophical principles. Chicks LOVE to do this. Problem is, their philosophies change like the trade winds here in Hawaii. Whatever will fit their agenda for that day and make them seem as deep and introspective as possible is what they will represent. Even though in reality they don’t live by any of these credos. When they want a boyfriend, they preach moral fiber. When they want to be the party girl, they preach individualism. For example, just the other day I read a meme – those pictures of like a rainbow with some deep analytical quote scrawled across it – basically saying that women need to stop posting so many selfies and start being appreciated for their ‘soul’, not their looks. The same female proclaimed that she wasn’t going to wear make-up anymore and how liberating it was. First, half her pictures are her sticking out her big ass and tongue simultaneously. In bars, in clubs, at the beach in her tiny bikini. Second, only a couple days later there she was again in full slut regalia, and plenty of make-up, at a club dry humping another female. So much for that cause, I guess.

5. Wannabe Facebook Celebrities

Let me save the absolute worst for last. Personally I don’t allow any of these in my feed, but we all know the kind. The woman with several thousand friends and a page covered with nothing but half naked pictures. This is her claim to fame. Thousands of lonely men that shower her every photo with compliments hoping just to get one reply. I mean who knows, maybe she will fuck one of them if they comment on every picture, right? All she wanted to be in life was famous, no matter what it takes. Even if it is the lowest form of ‘fame’ there is. Social media slut. Usually they are really not even that hot, to be honest. Which is why they can’t be real models. Congratulations, you achieved every little girls dream. To be drooled over by men on Facebook who haven’t seen pussy since they came out of their mothers. The pinnacle, you have made it. Imagine if desperation only paid the rent.


I am really just scratching the surface here. But not one person reading this has not experienced all of these on some level, daily. Not letting men off the hook. Like I said, one of the worst violators on my entire wall is a man, and he is probably the very worst actually. But at the end of the day, the attention wars are predominantly fought among women and no matter how subtle they TRY to make it look, it does not work. We all see what is going on, and it is fairly depressing. Do they really hate themselves that much? Is it really that impossible to just be content with what they have and not worry about who has more or seems happier? Come on, we all know Facebook is a stage, and nobody is as happy or well off as they appear. It’s a big game, a big sad game for the self-loathers and wannabes. Cut the shit, and just start saying what you mean. “Tell me I am pretty”, “Compliment my tits”, “Tell me you are jealous of my unhappy relationship”, “Make me feel like a celebrity.” I think we would respect that more than this game of Facebook chess, where you pretend your tits just happened to be in the shot and we pretend we didn’t know that was the plan all along. That would actually be refreshing. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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