1. Having a mustache
Are you fucking high? Take yourself down to the local waxing spot and get that cruststache burned off your face. Does any man look like he wants to date Anthony Davis? Then invest in a Gillette Quatro.
2. Roots are showing
Thoroughly embarrassing. Nothing says I just left my trailer at Casualty Estates like a mop of burnt blonde hair pulled back with the dark roots exposed. Probably should be less concerned with the Clorox and more with the treadmill anyway.
3. Being a slut
Shameful. Keep pretending that playing hop-a-dick is just liberating behavior and not repulsive. No man is interested in you for your liberated lifestyle, nor a game of throw a hotdog down a hallway. You are just used, abused, probably an alcoholic and cry yourself to sleep.
4. Hairy Vaginas
Wonderful, not only is your vagina the flesh covered version of the Grand Canyon, it apparently resembles a Rueben sandwich that was dropped on the floor of a barbershop. Be embarrassed, extremely.
Of course, success is not something to be embarrassed about whatsoever. A real man should not be threatened by this. But what is embarrassing is the fact women want all things equal, including opportunity for success, yet still want all the perks of chivalry. Doesn’t work that way. Women and children first? Children, sure. But when that ship goes down it’s every woman and every man for himself. Expect life rafts full of men.
Nothing wrong with a healthy set of thighs. Problem is all the women who like to claim their body type as thick, like the aforementioned Beyonce, when in reality they are built like Nell Carter circa the Gimme a Break era. Someone stop at Safeway and grab cantaloupe to go with that cottage cheese.
7. Keeping a diary
Keeping a diary itself, not real embarrassing. But the contents of that diary are absolutely humiliating. Stories of getting tag teamed at a frat party and puking in the fireplace or that time you thought it was “Just a fart.” No such luck. Disgusting.
Queefing may in fact be a subtle compliment on the tightness of your vagina, or it may just mean everything about you is so gross, you just fart out of your vagina. Either way, embarrassing. Don’t kid yourself.
9. Period Mishaps
The longer this list gets the more ghastly women seem. Hairy vaginas, promiscuity, queefs, farts and now bloody vaginas. Use your head and don’t wear white on those heavy days (gag), and if need be get a tampon made out of Sham-Wow.
Sure, let me open that door for you. Don’t worry I will pick up the tab, you are a lady after all. *BURP* “Can I get another PBR?” No, actually you can refund me the money I spent on you and save the rest for a cab. Get the fuck out of this restaurant. You should be ashamed of yourself.
11. Getting pantsed
See number 6 and pray you didn’t wear your ass padding that night.
You farted on an ex-boyfriends head and that is why he now your ex. You are disgusting and should be mortified to show your face in public. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. Do that to me and I will shit in your sock drawer. Then you wonder where the good guys are and why nobody will marry you.
In conclusion, Asian women win again.