“I’m still trying to forgive myself for all the things I failed to become. I’m still trying to make peace with all the broke pieces of my past.”
Sometimes I wish I could go back in time, to better prepare myself for the things I have gone through in the past six years. If I were to go back in time and speak to 17-year-old me, she wouldn’t believe me if I told her where she would be today. I imagine if I could go back I’d tell her that even at the lowest point, she’ll overcome it all.
That she’ll survive.
That the moments she doesn’t feel good enough are fleeting, and that in the morning when the sun shines through the small crack in her shades and hits her face, she will know that its a new day.
I would tell her, that darkness comes in different shades, as do all other colors. Some days a lighter shade than others. The darkness can be addicting; you get sucked into it. Its comforting, like the spot in your bed that lulls you to sleep. The darkness is persuasive, and it can persuade you to take a step off the ledge, and cloud your mind allowing for you to forget everything in a single moment. Everything but ending the pain.
I would tell her the tale of us fighting that darkness, marching up the mountain and overcoming the need to end the pain.
If I were to tell 17-year-old me that she would be 23 living at home after a suicide attempt, two failed attempts at moving out, and an abundance of failed relationships and friendships, I think I would scare the life out of her.
But after telling her all that, I would tell her what she needs to hear; the good stuff. I would tell her that even though it took three separate times, she graduated college and still has a burning desire to create.
I would remind her that she is stronger than she will ever believe. That even though there are times when she feels alone, she finds the light through the darkness.
I would remind her to follow her heart regardless of where it takes her and to truly trust her gut. And all the pieces she collects over the years eventually fit together and may not make complete sense but lead her to a better place.
And to my present self, the chaos ridden anxiety filled nutcase, you too will survive.
I need to remember everything I have overcome.
I need to remind myself that I am a strong person capable of beautiful things.
That although I am not working some big girl job as a copywriter in the city, doesn’t mean that what I have to say matters less. It doesn’t mean I should give up. Sometimes I forget that although I picked an “impractical” career, that I can still make something of myself. That my words still have meaning to someone. I never wanted to write for the fame or fortune. I wanted to write because it brings me peace and I hope that my words can bring someone else peace as well. I want to calm the chaos in someone’s mind, ease their pain with my words. That’s what I want, that’s why I sit in front of this screen and spill my brain to whomever will read. So I would tell present me to take a step back and enjoy the life she has fought so hard to keep. And to continue to march triumphantly through the wreckage that has consumed the past.
Although I am still working through the broken pieces of what’s gone, I can still make a beautiful masterpiece of what is to come. Life keeps going, and this is the life worth living. I don’t give myself enough credit for everything that I have accomplished and that ends today. I am a writer, a dreamer, and a big believer in all things. I have climbed a steep hill that just seems to keep going up, but I keep fighting. Giving up and giving in is not an option. I will do great things. I will be great. And I need to remind myself every day.
It’s a consistent note to self: Even a broken past can lead to a beautiful future.