I found calm amongst the vast ocean in your eyes. I wrapped myself up and got lost in the comfort of your existence to fend off the feeling of an empty heart. You quickly became my favorite fix, a drug of the toxic variety. You did to me what none others had done before, fed a part of my creative soul that was starving for so long. You ignited a feeling both euphoric and intoxicating. I was hooked. I fell far down the rabbit hole and forgot which way was up, feeding off the creative energy you supplied. I didn’t want it to stop and as the effects faded, like most do, I was left in a frenzy.
But it was all an illusion. None of it was real. None of it meant a thing to you, because to you it was just a game.
Every stroke of your hand on my face broke a little piece of both of us. You told me it was over with her, that she was just a piece of your past clinging helplessly and hopelessly to your present. And I believed you. Shame on me, right? Shame on me for being the girl who believed the boy who brought sunlight to my cloudy day. Shame on me for believing when you told me that your life was confusing right now, but you wanted more with me. A “season two” if you will.
Shame on me for allowing my heart into something that seemed promising. For falling into routine mornings of music and coffee. For opening myself up to something that seemed new, exciting, inspiring.
But more than anything, shame on you. Shame on you for playing on the heartstrings of two women who wanted nothing more than your attention and honesty. Shame on you for trying to mend things with her while you took me to bed. Shame on you.
I didn’t understand the situation from the beginning but I was drawn to your magnetism. But it was all a facade.
You don’t know what you want, and you claim it’s due to this dire need to make everyone else happy. To make sure everyone else is okay and content. But it’s not that at all, because in the middle of the night when she sleeps next to you and you’re texting me…you’re only thinking of yourself.
It’s men like you that make it so hard for women to trust.
You know, the kind of man that wants to have his cake and eat it too. You damaged two perfectly beautiful souls because while you toyed with my emotions, you were dwindling her self confidence down to nothing. Painting this picture of a beautiful future for the two of you while your head lay snug on my chest. You got lost in your own false sense of reality where this was something normal, that you were doing no wrong. It’s situations like such that make the hearts of many women cold like stone, unable to allow the right ones in because we are too busy rebuilding from the wrong ones.
You were wrong, sometimes in all the right ways. The way you touched my mind and nurtured my body made me feel like I was the only one in the world you could ever touch that way. You blurred the lines of right and wrong so beautifully. Doing things and saying things that made me really feel that this was something, but it wasn’t. It was all lies.
You broke her heart, and you may have had me fooled, but you won’t break mine.
Maybe this was all a blessing in disguise. A screaming wake up call to actually follow my gut, cut ties, and move on. I do believe it’s time to stop falling into failed romances and start caring for the heart beating in my chest surrounded by a ribcage called home.
I am all I need right now.
I don’t need the nonsense brought about by a man who finds joy in breaking hearts. I will take care of myself, do what makes me happy, find what I love, and hold onto it. I will fill my heart, make it whole, and know that my relationship with myself is the most important. I come first.