You sat on my front steps next to me, your head in your hands. What we had seemed too far gone. Wants and needs laid out and me unable to allow myself to fall back into something that in all reality made me sad.
Maybe I wasn’t ready, maybe we just weren’t made for each other. Maybe you wanted lust and I wanted love, or maybe you wanted love too. But we lost ourselves somewhere in the beginning when things took off, and we fell face first into an abyss.
You say not to throw love away like this, that its a sin. You wanted me to stop you as you walked away, and as much as I wanted to, I didn’t.
I didn’t because I consume myself in things like you, ideas like you; I consume myself in you.
Right now that’s not what I need.
I don’t need to get lost in someone or some idea.
I cried when you left. I curled up in a blanket at my front door and the tears fell effortlessly from their snug home in my eyes.
We could be great, just not today.
I don’t know what I want in life, I don’t know if I want a family, I don’t know if I want anything. And I don’t think you know what you want either.
You’re right, love isn’t like the movies. Love doesn’t magically happen and cure everything. Love is hard, love tears you apart in the best and worst ways. It challenges you, but it shouldn’t take so much effort to make someone happy, it should just come.
It’s exhausting to be human, and even more exhausting having to prove to someone I love them. We are going in different directions; we are different people, who although are similar, aren’t walking the same path.
I wish things were different and I could be what you need, but I can’t be that person. I have to repair the relationship I have demolished with myself. I need to be able to look in the mirror when I get ready and actually appreciate the woman that stares back in my direction.
I need to feel whole again before I can let go and allow someone to be whole with me.