I hope you know I wanted to be your every dawn and dusk. I wanted to find your lips in the half light, to drink you in, shed the sheets and wrap myself in you. I wanted the future we both imagined and that house dressed in ivy. I wanted that wrap-around porch, the curving garden, the sun setting over our fields of wildflowers. I wanted you to the edge of every horizon.
I hope you know I wanted to be the stars in your sky. I wanted to light up every dark place you tried to hide from me, bathe your bones in moonlight and smooth away your fears. I wanted to be your flame. I wanted to be enough to fuel you for the rest of your days, well into old age so we could look back at what we created.
I hope you know I was never intentionally difficult. I never tried to be stubborn or contrary, I never purposely dragged my feet or bruised your ego. I didn’t look for ways to hurt you. I didn’t make choices solely to anger or embarrass you. I didn’t pick fights to entertain myself and I never once sought to be malicious.
I hope you know I was only ever unapologetically myself. I know I let words tumble out of my mouth like little landslides and I know the things I say aren’t always appropriate or timely. I know I can be heavy, my sadness a restless ocean, my joy an oncoming train. But my words were never arranged in battle formation. I didn’t write poems to make you uncomfortable. I didn’t craft stories to spite you.
I hope you know I didn’t choose another man. I chose myself. I chose to walk away whole instead of allowing you to love me in slivers. I chose to stop shouldering all the blame. I chose to take a step back instead of allowing a sea of resentment to swell within my chest. I refused to shed the layers of myself you didn’t like, to create a patchwork quilt made only of your favourite parts of me.
I hope you know that despite the space, the chasm, that exists between us now, I will try my best to remember only the best memories; the ones that shimmer and dance, sunlight on sparkling water. I will try my best to remember I am not blameless. I will let go of the hurt. I will keep my shoulders squared while the ache lessens each day. I will quietly acknowledge that what we had, if only for a little bit, was special. That what we had was more than just a lesson that needed to be learned, more than a stepping stone in a path we briefly shared.
I hope you know I will be okay.
I will find someone to love me in every form I come in. I will find someone who will brave every storm that thunders in my chest and all the reckless fire that burns through my veins. I will keep writing my poetry, keep sharing my stories. I will continue, without a single moment of hesitation, to be myself.
But above all else…I hope you know that you’ll be okay, too.