I had to learn to love myself again before I could understand that he let me go because he loved me. His efforts in loving me could not match to the love I needed—self-love. He let me go, and it broke my heart. But now I am grateful.
Love isn’t always easy, but it’s harder when compromise only comes from one end, emotions can’t be comprehended by the other, and changes only hurt and affect one person.
I had more time and flexibility, so I felt solely responsible for compromising. I didn’t realize just how much I was compromising myself and just how much it was hurting me.
He couldn’t understand or comprehend the emotions that surfaced within me, just as he couldn’t understand his own emotions. He shut his down and did the same to mine.
He had accepted long ago that change is a constant and allowed himself to grow numb to even the most unexpected, heartbreaking changes life presented to him. Over time, the changes regarding our relationship drained my soul, because I was alone in the hurt. I couldn’t turn to the one person that might be able to understand, because he didn’t.
I had grown so comfortable in not only the good parts of our relationship, but the bad parts. I accepted the harmful compromise, the repression of emotions, and the solitary pain of changes. My personality was fading more with each passing day. My motivation and drive were close to nonexistent. My anxiety and depression were alive and well. But I loved him. I love him.
He saw what our relationship was doing to me. He knew he wasn’t capable of loving me the way I deserve to be loved. He knew his love was wasted if I couldn’t love myself. But he loved me—he loved me enough to free me from the pain our relationship was causing me. He loved me enough to separate me from the love I so desperately wanted so I could find the love I so desperately needed. He accepted the role of the bad guy to free me. He endured judgement from my friends and family, as well as judgement from his own. He did this because he knew I couldn’t do it for myself. He knew I lost the love for myself that would enable me to set myself free. But he did love me—enough to write our ending.
I was heartbroken, angry, confused, and overcome with grief. That is, until I felt lighter, relieved, motivated, whole, and genuinely happy. I had to feel all the bad, but in doing so, a driving force was generated within me to work toward the good. I found myself again and I fell in love with myself again.
I know now that our relationship was not serving me. I know now that I would have done exactly what he did for me had I loved myself. I would have freed myself, rather than compromise myself. He loved me, so he freed me.