When I first loved you, I knew that this day would come. I have been through so many heartbreaks that I knew, like the back of my hand, every hello comes with goodbye, every good morning comes with good night, and every love story comes with heart break.
I knew. I always knew. But I chose to act like I didn’t. I chose to believe that I didn’t.
Not only we had a great start, but we had a great story in every step of the way. You held my hand when you were not supposed to; you held my hand so well that I forgot how it was like not to be held by you. You held my hand the way I wished to be held by a lover and by a friend. You held my hand in such a way that both my fingers and soul felt safe, felt found with you. Falling in love with you was so magical, that I almost willingly forgot that break ups are inevitable. Because together, we faced what was impossible. We were separated by oceans, cultures, generations, and even timezone. We were living in two different worlds, but every now and then we cross oceans and meet halfway to continue our love story where we left off.
When we first saw the Eiffel Tower together, I told myself that I would want to see more of the world with only one person. And that was you. I held your hand as you watched the bright lights of the giant tower kiss the sky, and I wished, oh god, how I wished you knew you were more breathtaking.
We went to great places together to write our love story up in the clouds, in the ocean, in the hotel lobby, in the bath tub, and in the cold side of the perfectly white pillow at 3 in the morning. We wrote our love story in all the arguments we had, in all the I love yous, and in all the ways we could possibly write it.
Because when I loved you I poured my heart out, I poured my insecurities out, and I poured my whole life thinking that you would be the last person I will ever give my heart to. I believed with every ounce of faith left in me, that I finally met the person I was made for. I finally met the person whom everyone told me to wait for. Every heart break I had, people told me that someone better will come along. Every break up I have tasted, people told me that there is a right person who would tape the broken pieces of my heart back together.
And I believed that when I loved you, when I finally loved you, I had found the person to put me back together.
I knew that break up is inevitable but somehow, I convinced myself that we were going to make it. I told myself that our love was the kind of love that I wanted to grow old with. I told myself that we wouldn’t break up. And I believed that. I believed that a little too much that when we finally hit the rough road.
I kissed all the hurtful words away. I kissed all the broken promises away. All the arguments, all the 2am cursings, and shoutings. I kissed them away. I tried to walk away, but even my strength had been kissed away.
I forgot how to live without you, and I was unwilling to live not knowing when I would taste your lips again. I forgot how to walk away and so I just decided to stay. Until you finally left.
You left like how I saw everyone left before. You left as if it was the easiest thing you have ever done. You left and now the only thing I have are our memories…so please tell me, what am I supposed to do with all these memories?
Because I love you, because I loved you.
And now I have to remind myself that every hello comes with goodbye. And maybe this is finally the goodbye our hello came with.