I’m Convinced That Angus T. Jones Is Anne Gus

 

When I first came across Thought Catalog writer Anne Gus’s most viral piece on Asian Women dating white men, I was outraged. I couldn’t believe that such an ignorant, racist, and bigoted person could exist in America, let alone the world. Being Indian myself (yeah, we’re Asian, too), it really hit me hard. I showed it to all my Indian friends and they were so enraged that they wanted to kill Ms. Gus. I just had to read it a second time, to ensure in my mind that it was real and not just a #valleygirl nightmare, and as I was going through it I realized something that blew my mind—doesn’t Anne Gus sound an awful lot like "Angus"?

The name rung a bell in my mental registry.

“Angus” as in “Angus T. Jones,” who played Jake on Two and a Half Men for many years. You know, the chubby kid we saw mature into a man over God knows how many seasons. Then my mind started racing—didn’t I see somewhere that he had become a preacher of a fundamental Christian church recently? I Googled, and yes indeed he had. Don’t most Christian churches have conservative views when it comes to interracial dating? Indeed they do. And all that time around the frankly insane Charlie Sheen can’t have been good for his mental well-being or sense of ethics.

I’ve been looking around the Web and some seem to claim that Anne Gus is in fact a guy from a bodybuilding website who writes satire. Bodybuilding, huh? That certainly gets sweat flowing. I know someone who has slimmed considerably recently and gotten a much more athletic figure. That’s it. Angus T. Jones. For years we knew him as the fat little kid who made silly comments and had trouble with his homework. Now, however, he’s lost a lot of weight and has quite a sturdy build. Someone has been hitting the gym, that’s for sure.

OK, now you’re going to think I’m crazier than Anne herself, but what if Angus T. Jones is spouting all this feminist and racist hatred under the pseudonym Anne Gus? I don’t know for what purpose or why, but maybe all that religion got to his head and now he’s turned bitter and anti-Asian? No, I don’t think Ms. Gus is an alien and no, I don’t have a tinfoil hat, but seriously, there’s that possibility.

But wait—there’s more. The plot thickens even more when Mr. T. Jones’s new hairstyle is taken into consideration. In recent interviews, Angus can be seen sporting a long hairstyle. You know what gender stereotypically has long hair? That’s right, women. Is this a subtle hint to us? Is he trying to drop clues about him taking on the identity of Anne Gus? It sure seems like he is appropriating women’s hair. Or maybe he legitimately believes he is Anne Gus, a twenty-something girl from Boston. Could he indeed be suffering from multiple personality disorder? Childhood trauma can often be a catalyst for this type of mental problem, and growing up on the set of a sitcom can’t be good for a kid.

I’ve seen some crazy theories about her around here and mine might just be the craziest. I might be clutching at straws, but sometimes the truth is insane.

What do you guys think?