1. Reduces the risk of Alzheimer’s disease and dementia.
See, it keeps you in the game for longer, so you can focus on the important things in your old age, like remembering your favorite creamer and how many spoons of sugar you take.
2. Reduces the risk cancer.
Look at that mess! Who doesn’t like being just a little less cancerous? Besides, from all the coffee you drink you shouldn’t even be able to think straight enough to even let the thought of cancer linger in your mind for less than a millisecond.
3. Reduces the feeling of wanting to kill yourself.
Suicide is depressing and nobody should do it. If you’re feeling down about your life, head to the nearest store that sells coffee; it’ll keep you nice and perky on your way to the therapist.
4. Because everyone else drinks coffee.
You know what kills the feeling of wanting to commit self-harm? Being “In” with the “In-Crowd!” Drinking coffee gives you a sense of community with your fellow human. Just look at all of you standing in line at the
Starbucks hoping that today will be the day that the barista gets both your name and your order right on the first go.
5. Because someone said “coffee.”
What! Who said “coffee?” Do you have any?! Come on, fucker, don’t hold out on me!