While being born, I wrapped my neck with the umbilical cord because I didn’t want to leave my mom’s insides.
When I kicked my imaginary friend Pepe out of the house for saying I was not cool enough to be Michelangelo from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
When I tripped in front of Sally at the skating rink and I knocked out my two front teeth and sprayed blood all over Sally’s face.
When my third-grade teacher Mrs. Adler said I could have cake—then wouldn’t let me have cake, claiming I was too fat—all in front of Sally.
When I told Sally I like liked her and she said I should’ve listened to Mrs. Adler and stopped eating cake.
When I was in line for my mom at the grocery store and I was next and she was nowhere in sight.
When I made some friends who were really just bullies, and I thought this is what friendship is.
On 9/11, not because I lost someone, but because I was the only kid that didn’t get picked up early from school.
When I saw my dad’s penis was bigger than mine.
When I threw a birthday party and I couldn’t break the piñata, though I said I could because I was “16 now, dammit.”
When my group of friends for the last four years stopped hanging out with me.
When someone on my freshman hall purposely shied their head and turned away when they saw me approaching.
When I got really drunk and smoked weed and got the spins for the first time and couldn’t pay attention to Twin Peaks because it was “too much.”
When I was in a party of 19 at a restaurant and we had to split the bill.
When I did Ecstasy and had a three-day comedown and my dick was soft the whole time so I couldn’t even jack off.
When someone on Facebook asked if anyone wanted to hang, and I said I did, and they said “no” and it got 100 likes.
When I had sex for the first time and thought I would rather be masturbating.
When I thought I would still put my bachelor’s in psychology to good use.
When I was at a family reunion and thought, “Man, my cousin’s boobs look pretty nice.”
When I saw Bob Odenkirk and David Cross on their pseudo-Mr. Show tour and thought nothing will ever be better than this, so why bother?
When my credit card got declined on a date, and I didn’t have any cash, so instead I washed dishes while the waiter and my date had really loud sex in the supply closet.
When I realized my acquaintances were my friends.
When I finished writing this list.