LinkedIn Wants To Congratulate You On Getting Laid-Off

I always imagined my first time to be more glamorous. Shots of whisky, a scruffy beard suddenly growing on my boyish face, a lamp smashing on the slamming door as I leave the apartment for the last time.  If I’m going to get fired, I wanted to hit rock bottom in a blaze of glory.

But alas, in a moment of faux employment stability, along with a benign email from my mother, my getting fired turned into a 24-hour moment of pure comedy.

Hi Kevin!

I hope you’re well. I just wanted to tell you that I got a LinkedIn notification saying I should congratulate you on your three-year anniversary at Americorps. You really should update your profile! ☺

Love,

Mom

Mom, you know I hate LinkedIn. We have this argument once a year. I think it’s a fictitious projection of oneself into the corporate world. Mom thinks it’s an important networking tool. Mother is probably right, and if I’m going to have an account, I’d better make sure it doesn’t actively hurt my professional profile. So I *click * *click * *click * away and two hours later, my corporate life has been updated.

When I click “Finish” a public notice is released, prompting all of my “connections” to congratulate me on my “new job” (I’m closing in on my one-year anniversary.)

In the world of LinkedIn, I have made it – I am an (hold on, let me take a bow) Assistant News Producer. I wish I could double bold my status (let’s pause here for a moment, I need to take one more bow). *Third Bow*

Within 24 hours though, I would be laid-off.

Budget cuts.

“There won’t be anything for you to do here.” “You can finish off the week if you want.” Nah, I’m good.

I walk back to my desk, strictly following the Hollywood-standard “I just got fired” stunned zombie shuffle. I open up my email.

“You have six new notifications from LinkedIn.”

“Congratulations Kevin! ☺.” That is my former classmate who is also struggling to succeed in the industry.

“Hey Kevin, glad to see you’re killing it!” High-school friend making a high double, probably triple, digit salary selling real estate in Los Angeles.

“Congrats~” My first love, my ex-girlfriend. I swear, I thought I had completely cut her off.

“Congrats, Kev!” Mom, I literally just emailed you this morning explaining I had just been laid off.

So, instead of spending my day fantasizing about murdering my boss or creating an elaborate plan to get away with stealing office supplies (I ended up just putting them in my backpack), I spent my “I just got fired” day getting congratulated on the immense success I’m having in my life.

And that is all and well – a bit of humor to brighten a dark day; the husband accidently shoveling a dandelion onto the coffin of his dead wife. But in life, we confront important decisions and I think I’m facing one. Do I, or don’t I, update my LinkedIn profile?

Do I lie on my public profile and pretend I’m still an (triple bold) assistant news producer? Or do I maintain my honesty? And reveal myself to my ex, my high school friend and my struggling colleague?

I honestly don’t know the answer, but I do know one thing.

Listen to your mother. She’ll give you a story that will get published on Thought Catalog. TC mark

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