What It Feels Like When Depression Returns

I’m feeling low.

I have dark clouds in my head.

My body feels numb and drained.

I’m tired and weak. I want to cry.

I remember this feeling from those dark days. A place I never want to revisit, a nightmare I never want to relive.

He’s here again. Come to visit me today, my old foe. Depression.

I feel the anxiety rise in me. The fear of those old feelings. The memory of the pain, the struggle, and the hopelessness. I want to run and hide but I know he will follow and find me and consume me and yet again I will be his slave.

But I stop. I am still and I remember. I’m stronger now than I was back then. I can fight and because I can fight, I know I don’t need to.

I turn to face him. I’m no longer scared. I beckon him in and close the door.

I will sit with him today and do nothing.

I don’t ask why he’s here or when he will leave, questions that I would have been screaming for an answer to back then.

He can stay as long as he likes.

He is my teacher, a reminder of who I am, how strong I am, how much I have experienced and learned and what I now share.

A reminder to stop and care for myself. Be compassionate and kind to myself and allow him to pass through.

And he will. When he’s ready.

And then like a dark cloud passing across the sky, the sun will again shine brightly and he will be gone.

He may come and visit again but that is okay. He is no longer my enemy. He is part of me. Part of who I am. He is my friend.