It’s been a long ride with a lot of ups and downs – but lately there have been more downs than ups.
You don’t know how sorry I am for treating you poorly, for not taking care of you when you most needed, for not protecting you, for breaking you over and over and not giving you a break.
I wish I could turn back time; I wish I could be the warrior you needed.
I wish I could fight for you every time someone treated you poorly, when others let you down over and over again. I wish I were your companion when you were left all alone, suffering in silence, hiding your feelings, broken.
You don’t know how badly I wanted to be there to tell you “No” or stop you from being so clingy and apologizing for things that were not your fault. But you desperately wanted someone to love you, and at times you thought someone did. I wish I were there to open your eyes because you were so blinded with the infatuation of the moment. You did not listen to him when he said he didn’t want you. You ignored all the red flags. I saw them but I just let you be.
You don’t know how desperately I wanted to save you from the bully who treated you badly, but I just left you there. You did not see him taking advantage of you. He was nice to you when it was convenient for him and when it wasn’t he was awful to you.
He was unstable and you wanted to fix him, even though you’re not a handyman. You wanted to fix him so badly that you broke in the process.
His word inflicted so much damage that I still cannot believe that I didn’t say anything for you at the time.
I wish I could’ve told you to stop giving him opportunities, and to ignore and let go of that guy who left you so many times, but every time he appeared again you forgot everything he did to you. I knew his words were lies, but you were so hungry for love that you believed he really meant them, every time.
I wish I could’ve told you out loud to leave when that other guy started ignoring you. You wanted his attention desperately but he was narcissistic and only interested in himself. It made you feel awful – you questioned your self-worth and there I was, letting all these things happen to you.
Please accept my apologies for letting in all of the ghosts that now haunt you.
I’m extremely sorry for not protecting you from the guy who was so abusive to you. I absolutely knew he was wrong for you, I wish I had told you, warned you but instead I just kept silent watching you. Watching how he was extremely abusive with you, how he insulted you every time he wanted, how he manipulated you to do things you didn’t want to do, how you thought that was love but you were so wrong, my dear. You were so submissive and I didn’t say or do anything to save you from that.
I’m sorry for exposing you to too much without guarding you, without fighting for you, without treating you with the importance that you deserved.
You’ve been through so much and I know it’s not over yet, I know there are still things coming your way but I promise you from now on that I’ll be there for you. I’ll be your protector, your warrior. I will fight for you, I will take care of you, I will help you mend all those scars you have. I will make you stronger because you don’t deserve to be feeling this way, so heavy. You deserve to feel good, you deserve the best things and I promise I will make this happen.
I’m sorry for all the pain I caused you and I hope you can forgive me.