Thought Catalog

I Think This Is The Part Where I’m Supposed To Say I Care

  • 0
snow
Jessica Fadel

I think this is the part where we’re supposed to lock eyes in a crowded place, and then everything around us blurs and Sam Smith swells and it’s like we’re the only people in the room. Probably somewhere stereotypical like Grand Central or like, Westlake since it’s 10 days until Christmas and everything is aesthetically very much on point and the scene is practically set for an overly dramatic reunion.

I think this is the part when I’m supposed to see your name come across my phone and my heartbeat is supposed to race. I’m supposed to have some sort of physical reaction that says deep down, “Look. You still miss him. Look. He still thinks about you. Look. LOOK. Why aren’t you looking?” I’m supposed to have an existential crisis; a complete breakdown where I rip out all of my feelings and splay them everywhere to analyze every innocuous detail and every little thought because WHO KNOWS WHAT THIS MEANS?!

I think this is the part where it’s supposed to mean something. Or where I’m at least supposed to want it to.

I think this is the part where I’m supposed to forgive and forget. Where I’m supposed to say, “Let’s not focus on the past, let’s talk about the future. Let’s find a future. Do you want a future? I always have. Why aren’t we talking about the future??” This is supposed to be the part where when she asks me if I’ve heard from you I don’t admit to blowing you off. Where when they ask me where you’re at, immediately I know the answer and I’m not checking Instagram because I have no idea. Where I say I still check up on you, where I say I still worry about you, where I say I never stopped, where I say I never will.

I think this is the part where I’m supposed to care. Where I’m supposed to bend. Where I’m supposed to fold in on myself and melt and admit I still miss you and say things like “I could never forget the sound of your voice or the way your sheets smell. Where I’m supposed to cave and give in and admit sometimes I wish when I reached out there was a you at the end instead of an empty space. Where I’m supposed to say I still give a shit and I couldn’t quit you if I tried and I still think about you.

But the thing is, as much I think that’s supposed to be this part, it isn’t.

This isn’t the part where I say I still care about you.

This is the part where I’m really, completely, totally 100% sure I don’t. TC mark

Essential Poetry For Enlivened Souls

This is for the women who are first to get naked, howl at the moon and jump into the sea. This is for the women who seek relentless joy; the ones who know how to laugh with their whole souls. The women who speak to strangers because they have no fear in their hearts. This is for the women who drink coffee at midnight and wine in the morning, and dare you to question it. This is for the women who throw down what they love, and don’t waste time following society’s pressures to exist behind a white picket fence. The women who create wildly, unbalanced, ferociously and in a blur at times. This — is for you.

“When Janne has a new poem written, I shut my life down to do nothing but read it, and then when I turn my life back on, everything is better.”
James Altucher

Buy The Book
Powered by Revcontent

Read more books in 2018…

Cut yourself some slack. One of the biggest regrets most people have about their 20s is that they didn’t enjoy them more. And I’m not talking about “buy more expensive dinners, take another trip to Thailand” type of enjoyment. I mean having the ability to take a deep breath and sip coffee in the morning knowing that you have done, and are doing, your best.

“These essays are slowly changing my life, as the title promises. As my friends’ birthday come along, they will all be receiving a copy of this wonderful book.” – Janie

Amazon: 4.8/5 stars
Goodreads: 4.29/5 stars

Click for an inspiring read!

More From Thought Catalog