The current heap of unfolded jeans and unsorted “I need to get rid of these” clothes has brought something to my attention. Even though I have the same amount of hours in a day as Beyoncé, I simply do not have time to accomplish everything. Yes this is partially due to things like prioritizing the Sims over trekking to the DMV and favoring ferry rides to eat tacos with friends to grocery shopping. But the reality has hit me across the face that I quite honestly cannot get everything I want to do done in one day.
Which is why I have decided I would greatly benefit from having a personal assistant.
The following are my requirements and questions for any and all interested parties. If you’re looking to run around with a usually stressed out, probably ranting, blonde who constantly loses her keys despite living in a studio apartment, please apply below. Bribery via Venmo (kendrarsyrdal, caption carefully) will absolutely help you stand out during the process.
Qualifications Must Include
- Ability to function on very little sleep.
A 15+ year insomniac, I work and operate at most time on little no sleep. If you’re not ready to stay up until 2 and get up at 8:30, this will likely not work out. I consistently want/need someone to spit ideas and thoughts at at what are considered “odd hours” of the day, and an assistant would be the obvious choice for said thoughts. I’m working on a piece and need a 1 AM proofreader/sounding board? That’d be you. Fell down a wikipedia hole and really need to discuss what Lindsay Lohan has been up to? Again, you. Just need someone to walk to coffee with? Congratulations! You’re the lucky chosen one. I’m a firm believer in sleep when you’re dead and also that being adult is being 50% tired, 40% busy, and 10% ugh so if you’re not of the same mindset, please at least let me know how you got there so I can attempt it.
- At least B- photography skills. (ownership of an iPhone 7+ with portrait mode is preferred, but not required.)
Look. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. I want some good Instagrams and I’m tired of exploiting people (including strangers) to take them. An assistant can roll their eyes at me while I pretend to nonchalantly look off into the distance in a cool location, but they’ll still snap me 15 to 20 pics to choose from. Listen I’m millennial trash and fully, fully embrace it. And I need an assistant who not only embraces that fact, but enables it.
- Flexible judgement.
If you’re not okay with drinking on Tuesdays, making fun of grammar mistakes, criticizing red carpet looks, and just general assholery…well…you must be fun.
- Love of dusting and dog grooming.
I live with an adorable, but longhaired dog. I myself am made entirely of flaws and stitched together with mass amounts of dog hair. When I brush her I create a smaller, grosser version of her with the clumps that come off. If you’re not prepared to help manage, and tolerate, the tornado of hair that is my existence at this point you should probably not even enter my apartment.
- A valid driver’s license.
Some people are not meant to be significant others and some people are not meant to drive. I am one of those people…maybe both idk. It is safer for everyone involved if I call a forever dibs on the passenger seat and play DJ and therefore do not get behind the wheel of a motor vehicle. But public transportation in Seattle doesn’t always get us where we need to go, thus why I need someone who is ready to cart my ass around. Don’t worry; I have ZipCar so like, we’ll be fine. You just have to do the driving.
- Skilled in harmonization and singing.
And whilst driving I expect to blast tunes like the Grease soundtrack, Ella Henderson’s album (severely underrated), and The Civil Wars (again, severely underrated) in the car whilst belting my face off. I like to harmonize so someone needs to belt the melody. That needs to be you and I have perfect pitch (hair flip) so my dear, you need to sound good.
- Must love dogs.
I’m sure that’s a clear given at this point.
- Talking to me while folding laundry and wiping counters.
I’m not expecting you to be my housekeeper, but I am expecting you to help me keep my space clean while also keeping me company. Could I get a roommate to do this? Probably. Am I going to after several years of living by myself like a hermit? Absolutely not.
- Walking the dog when she’s insisting that there is a ghost in the apartment.
Recently my dog has taken up whining at corners of the apartment and then staring at me with a, “WHY DON’T YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS” look in her eye. As a firm believer in ghosts who is also convinced she will die by murder, you can see how this is wildly unsettling for me. So you will need to take her outside and let her tire herself out when this occurs lest I be left to my own imaginative devices and become convinced that a spirit came home with me from New Orleans and is plotting my demise.
- Trader Joe’s runs.
Look. I never buy groceries and the Amazon Now orders are getting a little out of control. You go pick up the groceries, and I’ll make us both guacamole. It’s a win win.
- Remembering to charge my phone.
I am constantly living the 22% life and it needs to stop.
I don’t know when I realized that my apartment is constantly dusty but I do know I have realized I don’t care for it. Please help.
- Working out with me.
I’m trying, really I am, to be like, healthy and whatever. But honestly the thing about being healthy that sucks to admit and is the worst part about it? It’s boring. I’m sorry but anyone who’s all, “I love eating nut cheese and spinach and sprinting up hills!” is probably not someone who is all that fun and interesting. I digress. What would make the gym more fun is if I had someone to go with and complain about it afterwards. And so that, my future assistant, would be you. Get your leggings and your eye rolls ready, because working out with me is gonna be a time.
- Going and telling my upstairs neighbor to stfu.
I’m not sure what they’re doing up there but it’s annoying and loud and sounds like a Chainsmokers song. And since I live by the “no new friends especially not my neighbors” life, I need someone to go tell them to knock it the hell off so I don’t have to.
Questions You Must Answer
- Who are you? Tell me the weirdest thing about you.
- What is your Hogwarts House? If you’re a Gryffindor, how do you feel cool with that?
- What is your favorite TV show and how do you feel about people who quote TV shows, especially while they rewatch them for the 80th time?
- Where do you stand with avocados?
- How tall are you? Can you reach things in cabinets that someone who is say, 5’1″ cannot?
- Complaining. Thoughts? Love it or List it?
- On a scale of 1 to 10, how cynical are you?
- Why should you be my personal life assistant?
Applications can be submitted as a .doc, .docx, or Google Doc and can be emailed to me here. Anyone who has seen me on Tinder need not apply.