What The Different Beverages In My Fridge Would Be Like As Boyfriends

Quentin Lagache

Diet Coke

There’s nothing particularly annoying about DC, but there’s nothing particularly mesmerizing about him either. He’s the boyfriend you’ve always known; you’ve probably been together since you were a teenager. You don’t really consider him the great love of your life, but you’re happy to entertain him from time to time. Eventually the two of you will probably part ways when you find someone who you actually really love, and he’ll end up in the arms of a younger woman.

Rainier

Rainier is the guy you hooked up with for most of college, and when you’re in the same city you’ll go back for old time’s sake. There’s nothing particularly wrong with him, but circumstances have never really been on your side. But there are some nice memories you associate with him (and maybe a couple of messy ones) so it’s nice to catch up every now and then.

Lemon La Croix

You’re not sure honestly not sure how he got here but you’ll hangout with him until he calls an Uber to go home, I guess?

Gatorade

He’s your party boyfriend and you’re in a little bit of denial that he probably deals ecstasy on the side for ca$h. The only time you ever see him sober is in the morning when you wake up next to him and a Taco Bell wrapper, clearly slept in all of your makeup, and are missing your left shoe.

Cold Brew Coffee

The embodiment of Rob Lowe in Parks and Rec. He never stops talking. Ever. He’s the conversationalist that asks you about your favorite movie and then spins into a 10-minute speech about the brilliance of Christopher Nolan. (Have you seen Memento? You HAVE to see Memento.) He’s also constantly trying to get you to wake up at 6 and go for a run with him. Lol.

Milk

He makes you a little sick to your stomach if you have to hang out with him without someone else as a social barrier.

Pamplemousse La Croix

He’s the foreigner who lives in your building who you totally have the hots for. You love his accent, his style, the way everything about him is just a little different. You definitely have Under the Tuscan Sun-esque fantasies about the two of you together. Tres chic. 

Veuve Clicquot

He’s your sugar daddy. The one who reminds you of a life you cannot afford on your own but so, so want. He treats you to the finer things in life. You guys aren’t totally compatible (obviously) so you only hang out occasionally. But you feel pretty damn fancy when you’re around him and you really, really like it.

Lime La Croix

Love of your life. The moment the two of you got together you never wanted to be apart. Lime is your ride or die, your better half, your everything.

The Brita

Poor dude. You literally only call him when he’s the only option available. And you never remember to treat him the way he deserves and change his filter on time. Again: poor dude. TC mark

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