The 13 Stages Of Being A Drunk-Ass Mess, As Told By Season 21 Of The Bachelor

1. The first sips.

You came out to have a good time, you’re not feeling attacked right now. You’re just enjoying those first, carefree sips of of sweet, sweet booze with your girlfriends and enjoying yourself. You bust out the champs from your fridge and Kate opens it like the pro she is while you all cheers. It’s the calm before the ~*storm*~.

2. Dancing like no one is watching.

You fire up your Spotify playlist that’s just Closer on repeat 16 times and let the body rolls take you where they’re going to take you. Your hairography is great, your hips are moving, you feel so pretty, so free. Even Lizzie who never dances is bopping along. What could go wrong? Spoiler alert: everything.

3. Best friends forever.

Everyone is getting along, no one is shit talking, you’re all taking about how much you FUCKING LOVEEEEE each other. Everything is perfect. You wonder how you go so lucky to have such amazing friends while sipping your fourth drink aka: the last one you can have while keeping your head on your shoulders. You follow Jessica and your ~girls~ into a bar in one of the last happy moments of the night.

4. Someone becomes like, really rude.

Maybe it’s an offhand comment from Jessica or a poorly timed joke that Lizzie thought was hella funny, but whatever it was, it was sooooo uncalled for. There’s a sudden shift in the air, the tension is present. What once was a fun, easy breezy beautiful night, is going to take a direct shift down the hot mess street.

5. Needing attention and needing it NOW.

Jessica’s bitchy comment has stung and like, even though you don’t even CARE, you can’t get it out of your head. You start pulling people aside and asking what her problem is while downing a Pinot Grigio like it’s water. You say it’s not because it bothers you just that like, you don’t get her. But really, it has SUPREMELY bothered your drunk self and you can stop obsessing.

6. The claws come out.

You’re NOT going to let Jessica get away with what she said. You start making really pointed eyebrow raises whenever she speaks, taking an absurdly long sip while she suggests a bar to go to, rolling your eyes with Kate whenever she’s not looking. You are absolutely not moving on until she apologizes for what. she. did.

7. Shit. Gets. Real.

You and Kate go outside, shivering because neither of you were smart enough to grab a coat and it all comes out. Jessica’s been such a bitch since she got into grad school. Lizzie never fucking speaks up for anyone and is always going MIA. NEITHER OF THEM EVEN OFFERED TO PAY FOR THE UBER. It’s all coming out and it’s coming out NOW.

8. You become a one-woman honesty bomb.

You’re going back to the group, and you’re telling them everything. How Jessica was just like, super passive aggressive just now. How she accused Kate of getting her shoes at Forever 21 behind her back. How she said that she thinks Lizzie is the most boring one in the group. You don’t care if it hurts their feelings. PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW.

9. Everything is the WORST.

Everyone’s crying, everyone’s trying to stop their Too Faced, Better than Sex, from rolling down their faces. Jessica is hyperventilating, Kate is picking her split ends and avoiding eye contact, you can’t even FIND Lizzie. It’s approaching an all out meltdown.

10. And yet somehow, you bounce back.

Lizzie comes back with kamikaze shots, the first productive thing she’s done all night, and insists that you guys just get over it. You all start laughing at how ridiculous your cry faces are and move on. Why were you fighting in the first place? Does anyone even remember?

11. Whatever, let’s go to Taco Bell, bitches.

You make Adam take his Uber through both T Bell AND Jack in the Box because no one can agree on what they want to annihilate in the backseat of his Kia. You don’t even notice him giving you 1 star as you stumble out of the car.

12. You realize the mistake of eating fast food in a moving car at 1:38 AM.

Because a Crunch-Wrap Supreme (no sour cream) on top of all of that wine and those kamikazes was never going to end well. Jessica offers to hold your hair but doesn’t follow through as she starts to curl up on your couch. Kate sits on the bathroom floor with you swiping through Tinder and asking your opinion even though you’re too incapacitated to care. Again, you’ve lost Lizzie. It’s highly likely she tried to pick up Adam the Uber driver.

13. Out like a light.

At this point everything’s a hazy, Stoli tinted blur. So without removing any of your makeup you pass out with one shoe stillon into a deep, deep sleep. All that’s certain is that you’re going to wake up reaaalllyyyy hungover with a bunch of texts from Lizzie about wanting to meet up for brunch. Whatevs. You’re ready to do it all over again in a week. TC mark

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