What The Different Snack Foods In My Apartment Would Be Like As Boyfriends

kellydecoteau
kellydecoteau

Annie’s Cheddar Cheese Squares

Annie’s Squares are the guy you date to make your high school boyfriend (Cheez-Its) see how much better you’re doing. It’s your attempt to not stray too far from what you know/what you like…but upgrade with the most minimal amount of effort possible. It’s very, “Yes he looks like you and has the same sweatshirts as you and like, let’s be real, you look like brothers…BUT HE’S TALLER SO TAKE THAT BENJAMIN.” You know. Suuuuper mature.

Rice Cakes

Rice Cake is the guy who you date because he’s good on paper. Good job. Good hair. Nice smile. Wants kids. Blah blah blah. But then you realize that without you to spice him up, he’s fucking boring. He never has anything to contribute to the conversation, he’s just kind of there. You only go out with him because you know what to expect, but you’ll never get serious.

Mixed Veggies that are starting to go bad

You went out for a few dates with Mixed Veg because you’re trying to be a better person. Someone who does yoga and drinks green tea instead of coffee from a Keurig. And him, with all of his vitamins, minerals, and namaste-ing seemed like a great option. But you realized…you just don’t like him that much. So you start neglecting him and ignoring him until eventually, you just have to go your separate ways.

Sriracha Chips

Always great in the moment (especially late at night) but you fully, fully regret it the next day when you feel like shit and your bits are on fire.

Pickles

Pickles is the kind of guy who can’t tell if you’re “dating dating” or if he just happens to show up every place where you happen to be. He’s less of a definable boyfriend and more of a shadow that you can’t seem to shake. You’re also not even sure that you actually like him, or if he just happens to be there. He’s confusing. He’s non-descript. And you’re not super into it.

White Chocolate Covered Pretzels

You only really like him during cuffing season tbqh. Everything about him is admittedly super sweet and you do really enjoy watching movies and sitting next to a crackling fire under copious amount of blankets with him. But come spring when you’re more in the mood for sports and rosé he’s simply not going to fit in with your lifestyle. So you bid him adieu and send him along his merry, merry way.

Cool Ranch Doritos

You know he’s bad for you, you know that you aren’t what the other needs, but you just can’t stay away. You just run into him in the grocery store, give him a nod, flirt a little bit, and then you’re just sucked back into his world without even knowing how it happened. Eventually you’ll come to your senses and stop thinking with your heart and start thinking with your head, but today is not that today. Today is a day for mistakes. Delicious mistakes.

Cashews

You went on a Tinder date once or twice and called him the wrong name each time. He stopped calling eventually because he got some self-respect.

Crackers And Hummus

Your mom absolutely loves him. She’s always asking if he came over to every little dinner or party she throws, even if she’s not 100% sure that he’ll even fit in with the respective crowd. And you guys get along great, you do. But you just feel like you need experience what the rest of the world has to offer before settling in/down with him. Realistically, he’s the guy who you’ll end up with. And no complaints, because he’s objectively great. You just want to see how he’ll handle a little bit of red pepper/excitement before you SERIOUSLY commit.

Smartfood White Cheddar Popcorn

Every time the two of you meet, it’s an all out SHOW. You wake up the next morning with stuff all over your face and fingers and feel a little bit of shame. But you love every goddamn second. TC mark

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