1. We meet the couple, named something like Erica and Jeff, who LOVED their house when they first laid eyes on it. It was staged perfectly, there was so much “potential”…but you can sense that things are about to take a turn.
2. See, Erica and Jeff now aren’t just Erica and Jeff anymore. They have kids! And in-laws! And friends that are always staying over at their house for some inexplicable reason! And now the once perfectly staged house is just NOT working.
3. Erica starts complaining about things like “lack of storage” and “no space!!!!” She also compares at least one room in the house (usually the kitchen or the laundry room) to a dungeon. Jeff shakes his head and rolls his eyes at his lady. We can all tell who calls the shots in this relationship.
4. Jeff keeps talks a lot with his hands about how “great” their neighborhood is, even though there are ominous shots of the obvious problems with their house (think mold, water damage, and a roof caving in). It becomes pretty evident that Jeff would live in a tent on their sidewalk because he just gags for the neighborhood.
5. The pros (Designer Hillary and Realtor David) come in and review their respective lists. There’s witty banter about who’s going to take the other down.
6. The couple wants just a FEW things in order to move: 7 bedrooms, brand new kitchen with a private chef, custom office with lots of light, 4 fireplaces, at least an acre of land, an intercom system OR butler (they’re not picky), and obvi – in their current neighborhood.
7. In order to stay Hillary has to add an entire second floor, an addition off the side, and completely renovate all of their living space. The words “open concept” are basically bolded, underlined, and highlighted. But like, keep the charm that made them love it in the first place. TYSM HILL!
8. The couple meets at a wine bar with Hillary and David to discuss their budgets. Unsurprisingly, they have a decent budget for the new house. But poor Hillary is given the bare minimum. Jeff tells her he has faith in her while she pounds her wine and resists cursing them out.
9. Hillary and her assistant get a great game plan going for how they’re going to essentially create a brand new layout in the house. They seem confident. They seem sure of themselves. You know this is the calm before the storm. You know.
10. To prove a point, David takes the couple to the ~ perfect ~ house. It has everything, and Erica is practically fainting over the flying buttresses. But (alas) it’s about $200,000 over their budget. Aka: unreachable. Jeff is triumphant; Erica looks like she might break in and try to call squatter’s rights when the cameras are gone.
11. Back at the house, poor Hillary is confronted with some major structural issue in the house. The roof is missing from part of the second floor, there was a fire going in the basement that no one noticed, all of their wiring work was done by people who think that playing with a Lite Brite = Electrical Experience. And in order to fix it, she has to kiss a good chunk of her budget goodbye. Hillary’s eyes begin to dim and you wish you could hand her another glass of wine.
12. Hillary asks Erica and Jeff if they have any wiggle room in their budget. Erica could not possible be more insulted at the notion. Jeff pleads for her to just do whatever it takes to make Erica happy. Hillary effectively cracks her knuckles, ready to not be beat by a house that no one (*cough*ERICA*cough*) bothered to take care of.
13. Erica and Jeff walk away from the house bickering, but still conveniently with their mics on. Erica says how she’s “so done” and “is completely OVER” that house. Jeff is beaten down so he just nods a lot.
14. David shows them a second house that’s a BIT of a drive. Jeff makes MANY passive-aggressive comments about how he needed a passport to get to that section of town because it’s so far from their current neighborhood. But then Erica says some magic words about the bonus room like (aka: man cave) and Jeff starts to look like he might become Team David.
15. Back at the house, Hillary runs into yet ANOTHER issue that makes the house in need of some serious updating. There’s asbestos in the kitchen, an actual flash flood in the basement, or a colony of rats in the walls. But unfortunately she’s out of cash, so Erica and Jeff have to cough it up. Erica cries off camera after CLEARLY cursing out Hillary.
16. Another shot of E and J fighting. She’s crying about how the children were sleeping in that death trap of a house. Sorry, Jeff. Even the neighborhood can’t save you from that argument.
17. David takes them to see the last house. It’s literal perfection. There may as well be a sign on it that says, “At this point, EVERYONE WANTS YOU TO LIST IT,” because the house is so perfect. BUT, it’s ever-so-slightly over budget. David reminds them how perfect it is. Jeff shrugs and says, “I guess we have some things to talk about. (You GUESS, Jeff?!)
18. The renovations are complete and before the inevitable commercial break there’s a shot of Erica losing her goddamn mind. That’s right Erica, you gave Hillary literally $12 and she gave you a Crate and Barrel magazine house. TAKE THAT, ERICA.
19. (Clearly at this point in the episode you’re too invested, you have no sympathy for Erica and her mom haircut, and you feel like Jeff needs to get a spine. But you don’t care. This isn’t just HGTV, this is war.)
20. Hillary has pulled Beyoncé, as she too was given lemons and made lemonade. Sure, she wasn’t able to give them 900 new square feet to furnish, but the new kitchen, living room, bathroom and you know, SAFE AND LIVABLE HOME, look absolutely immaculate.
21. Erica and Jeff keep exclaiming that they “can’t believe this is the same house.” Hillary shoots David a “take that bitch” look.
22. David shows E and J how much their house is worth now that it isn’t threatening to cave in on itself, has matching cabinets, and there are beautiful candles flickering about. Their house is now worth ~ perfectly ~ enough to cover the difference of that last picturesque home that they saw.
23. David commends Hillary on her beautiful house. She says thanks but you can tell she’s like, “My dude. I deserve 7 bottles of wine.”
24. Erica and Jeff whisper about the pros and cons of the various homes. Neither person seems to know what to do. OH THE SUSPENSE.
25. “So…are you gonna love it? Or are you gonna list it?”
26. They love it. They always love it. The house has to basically be condemned for them to not love it.
27. Erica comments about how great that last house was, but she couldn’t argue that Hillary basically Pollyjuice Potion-ed their home. Read: Erica remember how much moving sucked so she was like lol nvm.
28. Jeff is basically fist pumping. NEIGHBORHOOD NEIGHBORHOOD NEIGHBORHOOD.
29. You secretly wonder to yourself how long before the lack of a secondary bathroom will not be a big deal before Erica and Jeff are applying to be on Property Brothers for the same house.