1. Silenting judging the crap out of them. For everything.
It’s so great that Stephanie has found herself through Soul Cycle and is just la-la-living for spinning her heart out four times a week, but you know that she’s actually just trying to get in good shape for her vacation so she can get some QUALITY Instagrams and rack up the triple digit likes. You know the second she comes back from the beach it’ll be back to living, loving, and loling on her couch and tweeting about what a garbage pail she is. You see her. You. see. her.
2. Gleefully enjoying it whenever you see someone fall.
The only thing that’s funnier than someone tripping is someone falling off of a boat. This is a scientific fact.
3. Lying. Just because you can.
Sure you don’t haaaaave to convince the office that you and Katie are fighting over some dude named Gavin that you both matched with on Bumble, but it’s too fun not to so you get your fib on anyway.
4. Finding immense personal pleasure in telling someone, “No.”
And giving no other context or explanation. It’s ~*~*heaven.*~*~
Twitter was invented for jokes, dog pictures, and sending out passive-aggressive things directed at someone that you would NEVER say in person. Like Taylor Swift lyrics about livin’ in a big ol’ city after you heard that Hannah referred to your latest promotion as “cute.” Fuck that, Hannah. Enjoy your gif with a side of cold shoulder.
6. Only having Tinder or Bumble for the ego boost, and not giving a shit about any other part of it.
You have 17 messages and no intention on responding to any of them. But like, thanks for complimenting my eyes, Josh. I also agree that they are mesmerizing.
7. Rolling your eyes the second anyone who is ~stupid~ turns their back to you.
It’s not bitchy, it’s just your face. (Lie.)
8. Using words like “lovely” and “interesting” and “seems fun” but meaning the exact opposite.
“Well that’s an interesting article you posted on Facebook today.”
“Your cookie exchange seems super fun.”
“You are so dumb and unintelligent I can feel my IQ dropping by being next to you.”
“I’m coming for the wine, and nothing else.”
“That’s idiotic. You’re being an idiot. Stop it. Stop it right now.”
9. Purposefully hitting them with a read receipt or an “ignored” text to keep them in their place.
Nothing gives you a greater sense of power than knowing than knowing someone’s trying to get your approval and holding it back. Sure, you COULD let Devon know that you’re completely free on Saturday for brunch, but it’s better to make him wait for an hour or two before giving him your attention.
10. Showing off on social media — because you CAN.
“Oh that little picture of me in the Santa Monica pier where my hair is catching the sun and my thighs look GREAT? Totally didn’t take 48 photos and geotag it to get a bunch of likes and make everyone jealous that I was in the sunshine for the holidays while they’re suffering through another lecture about their student loans at home. Me? Never.”
11. Having friends of convenience, and never ever feeling bad about it even a little bit.
Do you actually like Christopher, or does he just have access to a lake house and a speed boat? You’ll never tell.