Slutty *insert whatever animal here*
Oh so you forgot that it was Halloween, huh? So basically, you’re following the Mean Girls trick of just wearing a leotard/lingerie with some ears and calling yourself a “mouse” or a “dog” or whatever nose you happened to find in your roommate’s craft box. Got it. It’s fine. You’re clearly the type of person that continually quotes, “I’m just fashionably late,” because you’re never on time for, well, anything. You want to put the minimal amount of effort into a situation and still come out looking like you give a shit. You’re also not planning on paying for ANY of your drinks, right? Yeah…I can tell you left your credit card at home. 🌚🌚🌚
Something Remotely Topical
Every knows you took AP English in high school, Carrie. You can spell “guarantee” correctly on the first try and STILL love to talk about how you spent a semester abroad and it like, *changed* you. You probably also explain things to friends multiple times in order to look like the smartest person in the room. You definitely have coffee table books that you’ve never read, but purchased because of the ~ aesthetic ~ that they provide. I bet you love succulents too, right? Yeah. You totally love succulents.
Something Topical. And political.
You love arguing. Like LOVE arguing. If you could still be on the high school debate team or a version of it at 25, you would be. You’re just PRAYING that someone starts with you tonight after your fourth Irish Carbomb so you can say things like, “Email-gate” and “Wikileaks” and “Locker room talk” and “patriarchy” even though it’s just Halloween, and Derrick who made the drunken mistake of getting into it with you didn’t know what he was in for.
A Sexy Cop
You have a fuck buddy who made it sound like he’d think handcuffs were hot. You’re undecided.
You have followed every single Halloween trend since moms everywhere let their daughters go out baring their midriffs as Jasmine from Aladdin. You do not deviate from the formula because that could potentially RUIN Halloween. You never group text first, only respond, and you wouldn’t have been opposed to staying in to watch Hocus Pocus instead of bar crawling if we’re being honest. You will definitely end up holding Jenna’s hair back at the end of the night before she passes out using towels as her blanket in your bathroom.
Anything That Remotely Culturally Appropriates.
You don’t have the internet. Or a moral compass. But tbqh you also probably can’t SPELL “moral compass.”
A comic book girl. (Think Harley Quinn in 2016, but Catwoman at any time.)
You have a really, really, really serious crush on a guy who LOVES DC and/or Marvel. And you just really, really, really want him to think that you’re cool and interesting and lovable. So you inadvertently (and TOTALLY unintentionally) will show up to a Halloween party where you know he’s dressed as someone from Suicide Squad ALSO dressed as someone from it, and BOOM. Unintentional couple’s costume. You will definitely spend many years questioning this guy’s intentions and end up referring to him as “the one that got away” on your tumblr.
You found all of your old Discount Dance Supply leotards and stuff from when you thought you might be a dance minor in college and figured, hey, why not? You’re going to spend all of Halloween intentionally standing in fifth position to prove you still have ankle flexibility. Good for you, Jessica. Good. For. You.
Vivian Ward from Pretty Woman.
You’re a no bullshit type of girl. While other girls might slap on some mouse ears or a basically plastic costume from Party City to mask the fact that they are attempting to wear as little clothing as possible, you’re owning it by being a full-fledged hooker. You’re so ready for everyone who is going to ask you where you got your boots all night — and you’re NOT going to tell them. You’re also so ready to play the theme song on your phone whenever you need an ego boost. Go get ’em, girl.
Some 90’s TV reference.
You’re the asshole of your friend group. You’ve been texting everyone that, “No one’s going to know what I am but I don’t care,” since you thought of the idea. You love rolling your eyes more than you love most things because you are just so ABOVE it all. But, you’re also really just looking for validation that your costume idea is cool AF because you’re internally painfully insecure.
Your name might also be Kendra Syrdal and you need to chill a little bit.