1. Advertising: Probably treats Mad Men like it’s the Gospel. Drinks scotch because it makes him feel like a man’s man. Would rather be drinking a mojito.
2. Engineer: Constantly friendzoned. Owns a lot of button ups. Really close with his mom who is always wondering why he “still hasn’t found a nice girl.” (It’s because no girl will ever measure up to her.)
3. Barista: Scoffs every time he hears someone mention Starbucks. Definitely doesn’t need the Warby Parkers he’s currently wearing.
4. Actor: Always guilty of leaving his wallet at home and being all, “I’ll totally venmo you back!” but then never does.
5. Copywriter: Works exclusively out of a coffee shop you’ve “probably never heard of.”
6. Graphic Designer: Often underrated and a total goofball. Gives great hugs and even better birthday presents. A complete keeper.
7. Works for a “start up”: Closet fuckboy. Thinks he’s better than everyone else because his job has kegs and a ping-pong table in the in the break room. Dude, it’s 2016. EVERYONE has craft beer at work these days.
8. Account Manager: He’s always at about a 6 or 7 on the stress scale and is never further than two inches away from his phone. Sets 6 alarms in the morning because of different timezones. Definitely has road rage.
9. HR: Has great hair. Super nice to your face, will tear you to shreds when he’s texting about you.
10. Financial Advisor: Judges people who don’t have a miles credit card. Or an emergency fund. He’s the guy who insists on dividing the check down to the penny. Waitresses hate him.
11. Bartender: Great in bed. But still confuses ‘definitely’ and ‘defiantly’ when spelling.
12. Tech: Smarter than you. Knows he’s smarter than you. Will still help you set up your surround sound speakers if you offer him beer.
13. Trust Fund Baby: Overly pronounces foreign words on the menu. Doesn’t know where the clitoris is.
14. Administrative Assistant: He’s excessively bossy even though he has no business being that way. He’ll try to order for you at bars and restaurants before he even is 100% sure of your last name. He’ll always be wrong about what to order you even after he is 100% sure of your last name.
15. Teacher: So, so, so, so, so nice. Wears a lot of cardigans. Will absolutely help you proofread your resume and rewrite your cover letter.
16. Med Student: He’s never around enough for you to get a firm grasp on his personality.
17. Consultant: Always in on where the best bars are in any city. Is somehow on every guest list and knows someone wherever you are. If life had a “Most Popular” category — he would win.
18. Security Officer: Was without question the kid that wore kneepads, elbow pads, wrist guards, AND a helmet whenever he went rollar-blading. Still criticizes anyone who he sees speeding or jaywalking.
19. Recruiter: He’s the one-upper, the party starter, the guy who can convince anyone to do anything. You’ve met him out on a random Tuesday just for “one drink” and ended up dropping half your rent at a strip club. And somehow, he’s never hungover or tired.
20. Professional Grad Student: Is just “figuring himself out” right now. (Will likely never figure himself out.)
21. Insurance: Will probably become the dad who wears Hawaiian shirts only partially buttoned while drinking poolside and barbecuing every weekend. Definitely not afraid to fart in front of you.
22. Sales Manager: Ridiculously competitive. Got actively heated when he lost at fantasy football last year. Maintains that in another life, he probably could’ve been as successful as Michael Phelps in whatever sport he was in in high school.
23. Says he’s a “musician”: Plays a lot of John Mayer covers at open mic nights. Will promise to write a song about you. It will be awkward.
24. Chef: Has great weed. Has even better munchies.
25. Yogi: He spent a summer backpacking through Asia and has never been the same since. He’s constantly trying to get you to meditate even though he knows you never will.
26. Brand Rep: Uses a criminal amount of hashtags in every Instagram post.
27. Construction: Owns more plaid than he knows what to do with. Cleans up great…when he cleans up. Which is usually only under protest.
28. Comedian: Only texts you after midnight. Blames it on his show. (Spoiler: it has nothing to do with his show.)
29. Supervisor: Business jargon works its way into his everyday life. He’ll ask to “touch base” and will “offer some feedback” about everything from gossip to how you load the dishwasher. But, when fighting, he will never raise his voice above a five and will somehow always be levelheaded even if confronted with irrationality.
30. Web Designer: Doesn’t think it’s as funny as you do when you ask how he feels about Comic Sans or Papyrus.
31. Global Trade Analyst: Always talking about how jet lagged he is. Probably isn’t that jet lagged.
32. Blogger: The biggest douchebag you will ever meet.