1. Women aren’t funny because their brains don’t have the capacity to be funny.
It’s scientifically proven that men’s brains are much larger than women’s brains. And while women tend to use their brains more efficiently, it’s because they’re focusing on things like cleaning, apologizing too much, knowing when Pumpkin Spice lattes are back in stores, and other feminine tasks. They don’t have time to focus on being funny because if they did, they’d miss out on complimenting Jenny on her boots that she got on sale at Nordstrom.
2. Women aren’t funny because they aren’t relatable.
Vaginas, periods, hair, Sephora, work, stress, alcohol, sex, growing up, parental problems, body image, relationships, being teased as a kid…all of those things are EXCLUSIVELY experienced by women. Not just anyone can hear a joke that Katie tells about growing up with strict parents and laugh at it. That’s for ladies! There’s simply no way for a grown woman with life experiences to ever be relatable to other humans. She’s basically an alien.
3. Women aren’t funny because they don’t know what they’re doing.
To be funny you have to know your audience, be able to read a room, look for signs that the person you’re engaging with finds you funny. And women simply can’t do that. They’re way too distracted thinking about Pinterest and probably are still just singing “Let it Go” in their head for the umpteenth time to really land a joke. They simply don’t have the know how or the attention span to ever be actually funny.
4. Women aren’t funny because being funny is a guy thing.
Women get so many things! They get to vote these days, hold public office, even run for president (but hopefully she’ll smile while doing it). All a funny women wants is to take yet ANOTHER thing away from the hard working men in her life. It’s selfish, and transparent. Yeah. We see you, Kim, trying to be funnier than your fiancé. We see it and we aren’t falling for it.
5. Women aren’t funny because they’re too busy being hot.
It’s a scientific fact that all women spend HOURS getting ready every day. Between eyelash curlers, contouring, perfecting the messy bun, and then staring at her closet for at LEAST 52 minutes saying, “I have nothing to wear!” there’s just no time left to be funny. It would potentially be possible for a women to be slightly funny if she’d give some of that up, but let’s face it a natural look is really for no one. Funny or not.
6. Women aren’t funny because they’ll laugh at anything.
Women are inherently polite creatures, and never would dare to not laugh at something even if it was stupid. So you can’t trust them. They’ll laugh at anything and everything (even god forbid a female comic) which just proves that they know nothing about comedy.
7. Women aren’t funny — they’re angry.
Think about it. Every time a women is being “funny” she’s really just YELLING. And yelling as a woman is not only inappropriately aggressive, it’s not funny. Maybe if women could calm down and be rational (which is already more attractive and definitely approachable) they could be funny. But it’s not likely.
8. Women aren’t funny because they’re too sensitive.
Anytime a woman is faced with rejection, she cries. Anytime a woman feels like she’s not wanted, she cries. Anytime a woman feels misunderstood, she cries. And this is exclusive to women. Men do not have this sort of reaction, or really ANY negative reaction to anything ever. Sensitivity is not a part of comedy. But women don’t understand that about life, which also means they aren’t going to understand it about humor.
9. Women aren’t funny because they’re passive.
Women are always going to be in second place to men because they put themselves there. They aren’t ambitious until someone directly tells them to be so. Until a women is told otherwise, she just sits in a kitchen still trying to figure out the ending of Inception. It’s true. Because of this passivity, they’re not funny.
10. Women aren’t funny because it doesn’t get them laid.
The only reason a woman does anything for attention is to try to get someone to fuck her. Duh. What other motivation could she possibly have? How else would she become fulfilled in her life? Through success, a career, fans, or even just enjoying herself? Nahhhhh. That’s silly.
11. Women aren’t funny because they care what people think.
All women value the opinions of others more than anything. They’re not sure enough or strong enough to be funny because they’re constantly too worried about what someone is saying about their hair or their top or their weight. All women care about is what other people think of them and that makes them not funny.
12. Women aren’t funny because they don’t HAVE to be.
All women are good for is yelling at and abusing on social media, being called sluts by random strangers, smiling regardless of if what was said her way was a compliment or harassment, swatching lipsticks on her arm, and eventually pushing out babies after she settles down in the suburbs with a husband who plays golf every weekend and cracks all of the jokes. She doesn’t have to be funny, she shouldn’t want to be funny. It’s not a priority.